


A Perfect Storm

by iwaizoomy4



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Heartbreak, Homophobia, Hut, Iwaizumi - Freeform, IwaizumixOikawa - Freeform, Love, M/M, Oikawa - Freeform, OikawaxIwaizumi, Reality, Romance, Tooru - Freeform, hajime - Freeform, iwaoi - Freeform, satomi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:33:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 23,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29196129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwaizoomy4/pseuds/iwaizoomy4
Summary: ❛ 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃 𝐎𝐅 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆... 𝐈𝐓'𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐀 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐄. ❜❛ 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐈'𝐌 𝐈𝐋𝐋. ❜───────────────────In a fantasy world, their love would be beautiful. In the real world? Their love is a curse. Follow along as Hajime Iwaizumi decides between his parents and the man he loves; Tooru Oikawa. Will he follow his heart or will the reality of this world be too big a hurdle to jump?
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 24
Kudos: 38





	1. Prologue

_~ unspecified time ~_  
_past, present, future?_

Howled. The wind howled.

'I...'

Years and years ago, when I was a little boy, when I was first learning how to read and write, I was flooded with the rights and wrongs of this world. Instead of fairy tales of red-hooded girls and charming princes, my parents told me time and time again about the ways of men and women, they told me about how other people would treat me if I did this or that, and they told me about the bad type of love.

Back then, my parents' word was all I needed. It was all that mattered. And there was no room to doubt it. They couldn't be wrong, could they?

And that bad type of love. Fall prisoner to it and all ends in hurt and heartbreak. That's what they told me.

I learned that there are some things you can only understand by yourself. Was I naïve to believe my parents?

I look into the sparkling brown eyes opposite me. The soft lips part, speaking words I never thought I'd hear.

'...take you, Hajime Iwaizumi  
to be my husband,  
to have and to...'

The next few words are drowned out by a loud howl coming from the unsettled wind. It thrashes the tables that were placed neatly in the garden area, some of the tissues flying off into the dark grey sky.

From the soft breeze I had once appreciated from my little window in my little room with my little family... to this chaotic gust..

'...To love and to cherish...'

I close my eyes. Nothing is in my control. Nothing was ever in my control.

And that's the way this world works. No matter who you love, why you love, when you love, what you love, where you love... it will end however life wants it to. Don't think for a moment life is perfect, because it's not. And I learned that the hard way.


	2. Number One Priority

Unheard though present, he gazed out the window—almost thoughtlessly—at the soft, grey-blue sky, his chin resting on his folded arms. The wind could not be heard, but if you were to glance across the road and at the trees behind the clean row of two-floored houses, you would see the branches as they danced with the gentle breeze.

Silent but graceful.

Hajime Iwaizumi sighed softly into his sleeve, his eyes droopy. This time of year brought refreshing breezes, always peaceful and undisturbed. He had gotten into a habit of leaning against the windowsill as the window itself was creaked open just a little bit, allowing him to taste the steady gusts coming from the direction of the ocean.

It was darkening outside.

Iwaizumi yawned, resting his head against his arms. He felt only one thing. Contentment. At this very moment in time, every cog was in place, as shiny as could be. He smiled, briefly.

Just a small smile.

He knew his father had just lost his job.

And he knew that wouldn't do the small family of three any good.

But, aside from that, Iwaizumi was fairly happy. He wasn't sure why, or since when, but the comfort that came with the soft air managed to consume him. He didn't mind at all.

Iwaizumi was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he hardly noticed his mother enter the room, not until she coughed a couple of times. He turned around, sitting up. 'Huh?' his voice cracked before he cleared it. 'Oh, uh, mum? Sorry, were you calling me?'

'No,' she responded, moving towards Iwaizumi. She sat on his bed, ushering him down beside her. 'The weather is gorgeous, isn't it?'  
'Yeah,' Iwaizumi nodded. 'It is.'  
'It reminds me of when I met your father,' she coughed again before continuing. 'You know, it was an evening. I was really, really upset that day,' she chuckled as she recalled the same memory she had shared with Iwaizumi many times before. 'It was at a little gathering in my old neighbourhood. I completely lashed out on him, and—'

'—He found it endearing,' Iwaizumi finished. 'You've told me before, mum, millions of times.'  
His mother laughed, wholeheartedly. 'I could relive that day millions of times and never be bored.'  
Iwaizumi nodded, yawning again.

'While we're on this topic...' Iwaizumi's mother smiled slyly. 'Any lucky ladies I should be aware of, Hajime?'

'No.'

She shot her son a look. 'Don't shut my conversations down like that,' she nudged him. 'Come on, tell me.'  
'For real, mum. No.'  
'I promise I won't embarrass you in front of her.'  
'There is no her,' Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. 'I've told you before, ma, I'm not interested in dating anybody right now.'

'Look, Hajime,' his mother took his hands. 'Listen to me, okay?'

'Okay.'

'Your father lost his job,' she told him. 'He's far too old to work now, and I think—'  
'Why don't you ever work?' Iwaizumi asked, suddenly. 'No, I'm sorry. I meant, if you know he's too old, why don't you try helping him?'  
'Women don't work,' she replied. 'And you shouldn't either. Your studies are important, right now. Once you settle in with a nice wife, you can work to keep her and your children happy.'

'I'm in my early twenties,' Iwaizumi answered, dryly. 'I'm not planning on having a bunch of children ruin my life just yet.'

'Hajime.'

'I'm going to get a job,' Iwaizumi spoke mainly out of his desire to not get married to some random family friend his parents no doubt already had their eyes on. 'Father can rest,' he muttered. 'And you too... if women don't work.'

His mother frowned. 'Are you sure you—?'

'Yes,' Iwaizumi strained to recall the name of his mother's friend. 'Doesn't your friend own a restaurant business that she's trying to grow? Didn't you say she was struggling for recruits? I'm sure I could serve some tables just fine.'

'Hajime, I don't know if this is a good idea,' his mother weighed in. 'Your father can work again—'  
'Don't be so silly,' Iwaizumi butt in. 'Father is old, you said it yourself. We can't make him work, to make a living for us, when the two of us are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves.'

'It's not a woman's place—'

'I know.'

Iwaizumi, actually, did not know. His parents had a strong opinion when it came to rights and wrongs. To say the least, they followed the ancient rule book, never straying from the stereotypical, old lines. From gender stereotypes to views on homosexual relationships, his parents were extremely opinionated when it came to those sorts of things.

'I can't let my son take the wellbeing of our entire family onto his two shoulders.'

Iwaizumi and his mother whipped their heads around simultaneously, watching as his father stepped in, smiling at Iwaizumi. 'Hajime. I am so, so proud of the man that you've become.'

Iwaizumi smiled at his father. 'Thank you.'

'And stepping up to do this, for us, it makes you very dependable and reliable,' he continued, softly grabbing Iwaizumi's cheeks. 'You can work, of course. I'm so grateful for you.'

Iwaizumi nodded. 'Thanks.'

'No thank you,' he smiled, softly, turning to my mother. 'How lucky did we get, Mei?'

His mother nodded, her gaze straying from her father, somewhat intentionally. Iwaizumi stood up, slightly taller than his father. 'Dad, uh, I don't have any work experience.'

'It's fine! Madoka will surely allow you to join,' he laughed, patting Iwaizumi's shoulder. 'She's doing horribly; she needs all the help she can get.'  
'Um, okay.'  
'Thank you, Hajime.'  
'Anyone would do this,' Iwaizumi stated. 'Any decent person, at least.'

Both his mother and his father smiled at him.

Iwaizumi turned back to the window, glancing again at the trees. It wasn't sunny, nor rainy, there was merely a tame gust of wind passing through, too weak to rattle the trees. He felt a little bad, making his parents think that he was doing this to be an amazing son, but in reality, he was only dodging some bullets.

Those bullets being marriage.

Because he knew he couldn't get married yet. He wasn't ready. He didn't want to. All he wanted was to live a life he could look back at and be proud of. He allowed himself a small smile.

'Mum, dad... you know I love you, right? And that I'd do anything for you?'

And then they embraced one another.

Everything was perfect.

Despite their financial issues, his family was perfect. They loved one another. And he was so, so grateful for that. His mother, his father, they would always come first. No matter what hurdle he'd have to jump, they would always be his number one priority.


	3. Brown-eyed Boy

Iwaizumi's father dropped him off, leaving him in a small carpark at the back of the restaurant. A few large bins dotted the perimeter, and, glancing to the right of the entrance to the car park was a large single door which, Iwaizumi assumed, was the backdoor that his mother's friend, Madoka, had told him to knock on. 

And so he did just that.

It took a couple of moments but a few knocks later, he heard fumbling by the door and a shuffling of feet. He waited, patiently, as the dirty door creaked open—it was made of a sort of metal, with a bar instead of a handle—but only slightly. 

A pair of big brown eyes peered at him through the crack.

They were not Madoka's faint blue eyes. 

'Uhm,' Iwaizumi cleared his throat. 'Is Madoka in there?'  
There was silence for a few moments. 'Depends who's asking.'  
'I'm asking.'  
'And who are thou?'  
'I think you mean thee,' Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes. 'And I'm Iwaizumi?'

'Why are you asking me? Are you unsure of your own name?'

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. 'My name is Iwaizumi.'

'Iwawa-what?'

'Iwaizumi.'

'Bleh, too long,' the voice on the other side responded. 'State your name and business.'

'I just told you my name, and isn't my business pretty obvious?'

'Don't give me that attitude, Iwa-chan,' the voice was somewhat teasing. Iwaizumi frowned. 'Now, let's start over, okay? Hi! Nice to meet you.'  
'My name is Iwaizumi.'  
'That's what I said.'  
'No. You said—'  
'—Iwaizumi. I said Iwaizumi.'  
'No—'  
'Sh.'

'Did you just _sh_ me?'

'Yes, honey. Get used to it.'

Iwaizumi chose to ignore the guy's childish antics. 'Is Madoka in there?'  
The owner of the brown eyes sighed, before slamming the door in front of Iwaizumi's face. Iwaizumi grumbled about rudeness before rolling his eyes and knocking again. 'Open the door, you piece of crap! I need to—!'

The door reopened, but this time, it was by somebody with faded blue eyes and fiery red hair. 'Hajime!'  
'Madoka...' Iwaizumi cleared his throat. 'I'm sorry, I wasn't speaking to you. There was somebody else—'

'Yes, yes,' the woman chortled. 'Tooru is a pain in the ass. Don't worry about it.'

Iwaizumi could've sworn he heard a distinct 'how can you people treat me like this?!' in the background, but again, chose to ignore it. 'So, uhm, I'm sure you're aware that I'm here to... work. Any job. I just need the money.'  
'Yes, I heard about your situation,' Iwaizumi despised the pity in her tone but let her pull him into a hug nonetheless. 'I'm sorry, Hajime.'  
'It's not your fault.'  
'I know...' she wrapped her arms around him once more before pulling away, her hands on his shoulders. 'I'm sure you'll do fantastically here.'

'Yeah.'

Madoka smiled, turning away. 'I'll have somebody show you the ropes. Just wait here, alright?'  
'Madoka.'  
'Hm?' she whirled back around. 'Is something wrong?'  
'No, uh, it's actually about the uniform...'

Madoka hesitated. 'Yes... you do have to pay for it.'

'Okay.'

Shit. The fancy suits they wear here... they've got to be pricey. 

Iwaizumi let Madoka leave, sighing as he leaned against a row of rusty, old shelves. This store room was a mess. On one side, there were three rows of shelves that went from the floor to the ceiling, and in here, the ceiling was a lot closer to the ground than in the main area. On the other side, there were two broken doors. One led to a tiny office, the other to a single staff toilet. There were a bunch of cardboard boxes stacked up against the wall, too.

'The uniform's expensive, you know?'

Iwaizumi's head whipped around to the direction of the voice. The same bright brown eyes stared at him through the shelves. 'And?'  
'Aren't you working to make money for your family?'  
'I can work it off so—wait, why the hell were you eavesdropping?'  
'If you work it off, you'll waste a lot of time. Doesn't your family need the money?'  
'Eavesdropping is rude. Where's your decency?'  
'Maybe you should work somewhere cheaper.'  
'Seriously, do you have any manners?'  
'Like walk some dogs or something?'  
'And I swear you've got no filter.'  
'So like, why don't you take your good-looking ass right back out that door?'

Iwaizumi opened his mouth to comment on the brown-eyed guy's rudeness before narrowing his eyes. 'Excuse me, but I'll be staying right here.'  
The guy on the other side of the shelves stuck his head through the large space, leaning closer to Iwaizumi. 'Waiters make the customers feel welcome,' he told Iwaizumi. 'And, to be brutally honest.. you don't look very friendly, sweetheart. Why don't you flash us a smile?'

Iwaizumi's first instinct was to bring this idiot physical pain, but he held back. This could cost him. He held his tongue too, just to be on the safe side. He smiled, sweetly. 'Next time you say something like that,' he patted the guy's shoulder, beaming, 'I'm going to fucking punch you. Got it? Okay.'

As if on que, a young waitress stepped in, her eyes landing on Iwaizumi. 'Iwaizumi? Oh, hey Tooru.'  
'Heya, Tomi.'  
The waitress held her hand out for Iwaizumi to take. He shook it, briefly. 'I'm Satomi, but my friends call me Tomi.'

'Hi, Satomi, I'm Iwaizumi.'

The guy, Tooru, snorted. 'Hey Tomi, hey Iwa-chan, I'm Oikawa.'

Satomi and Iwaizumi rolled their eyes simultaneously. 

At their expressions, Oikawa cleared his throat, getting down from the shelves. He walked right past them and through the door, shutting it behind him. Satomi opened her mouth to speak after rolling her eyes again, but Oikawa reopened the door and shut it again, the difference this time was that he made sure to slam it.

Satomi turned to Iwaizumi, clasping her hands together. 'Sorry about him, he can really be a handful.'  
'Is he a waiter here?'  
'Er—no,' she shook her head. 'Madoka is his aunt. He spends a lot of time messing about here,' she sighed. 'I think he's just really lonely.'

Iwaizumi raised his brows. 'Okay.'

'Yeah,' Satomi smiled. 'So, a new waiter is in the making, I see. First of all, you'll need your uniform.' She pulled out a package from nowhere, handing it to Iwaizumi. 'This is Tooru's size, and you two are around the same age. I hope it fits...' she hesitated, lightly tapping Iwaizumi's upper arm, 'but, it may be a bit tight for you here.'

Iwaizumi watched as she turned around and left.

He shrugged, walking over to the single toilet. He locked the door shut behind him, before ripping open the plastic that contained his uniform. It was the classic black and red waiter's uniform, fancy and stylish, just like you'd see in any high end restaurant. He stripped down before pulling his new clothes on, grimacing at the fabric.

It felt like a lot of shifts.

He turned to look at himself in the mirror. 

Satomi's prediction was correct. His arms, specifically his upper arms, were hugged tightly by the black shirt, and his legs also strained the material of the trousers, slightly. How skinny was that Oikawa guy? Iwaizumi glanced at himself again. He looked alright. Better than he was expecting.

He took a deep breath, leaving the small room. He stepped out into the main area, taking it all in. All he had to do was serve with a smile, and soon enough, he'd be making enough for his family to live on.

If only it all went that way.


	4. Protect You

Everything was working out great. Nearly.

Apart from the fact that Satomi laughed at Iwaizumi every time he made a mistake, the fact that Oikawa liked to make comments on every little thing—especially comments regarding Iwaizumi's butt, for some reason—and the fact that the little money he made went towards his uniform, Iwaizumi could confidently say that.. everything was working out great.

Over the week that Iwaizumi had spent as a waiter, there were some changes. His mother had a bit of a cold and his father hurt his back trying to carry out all the work at home alone. Worse, they had sold their one and only car to make some money whilst Iwaizumi paid off the expenses for his uniform... but, that meant that Iwaizumi had to take the bus.

And it made things a little harder.

Especially when he was held back and ended up missing the last bus.

He grumbled to himself as he helped turn some of the chairs upside down. It actually wasn't his job, but the others found it tiring, and because he had once played volleyball, he was pretty used to tiring. He lifted the chairs up, flipping them over with ease, one after the other.

It was annoying before he heard it. Oikawa's voice.

'Damn, Iwa-chan,' he drawled, sitting on one of the chairs that Iwaizumi had yet to flip over, his feet kicked up onto another chair that Iwaizumi also had to flip over. 'You're so muscly..'  
Iwaizumi ignored the idiot. He could do with some help; it was Oikawa's fault he was late in the first place, but no. This guy decided to sit and watch as Iwaizumi did all the work.

As Oikawa began humming, Iwaizumi turned around to face him, crossing his arms. 'You're such a crappy guy,' he remarked, motioning towards his reclining frame. 'I could so obviously do with some help and you're just sitting there... lazily.'

'You don't need help,' Oikawa responded, folding his arms to mock Iwaizumi's stance. 'Your big muscles can handle it, right?'  
Iwaizumi was very close to punching this guy. 'Get up.'  
Oikawa leaned further back into the chair. 'But I'm comfy.'  
'I said get up. Now.'

Oikawa cocked a brow. 'Dominant. I like it.'

Iwaizumi, irritably, grabbed Oikawa's wrists and yanked him off the chair, pushing him off to the side. 'Shut your fucking mouth, Shittykawa, and help me with the chairs,' he stepped towards the slightly surprised brunette. 'Thanks to you, I have to walk home now. Walk. At this time. In the cold. So you are going to help me,' Iwaizumi ordered, taking another step forwards, 'whether you like it or not.'

How was this Oikawa's fault?

Well, Iwaizumi was doing fantastically. Serving the last few customers, waving them off with still half an hour until the last bus. Insert Oikawa, who had decided that it would be a great idea to lock Iwaizumi in the office-like room, and on top of that, he had also decided to misplace the keys. If that wasn't enough, Madoka had been questioning why Iwaizumi was still at the restaurant when the idiot finally found the keys, and then the same idiot told her that Iwaizumi wanted to clear away the tables and chairs. Worst of all, he wasn't even getting paid for it!

And that, summed up, is the series of events that led up to this very moment.

'Iwa-chan...'

Iwaizumi placed the chair he was holding down aggressively. 'What?!' he barked.

Oikawa paused before muttering under his breath. 'I'm kind of turned on right now.'

Iwaizumi took a deep breath. This idiot has to be joking. Iwaizumi couldn't say he knew Oikawa well, but the persistent yapping that came from the brunette really made him feel like he knew the guy since they were in nappies.

He was thankful that wasn't case.

'You have to calm down,' Oikawa stepped up, shooting Iwaizumi one of his signature smiles. 'If it makes you feel any better, I'll walk home with you.'  
Iwaizumi turned to face Oikawa properly. 'That would make me feel a lot worse.'  
Oikawa feigned shock. 'Iwa-chan! How cruel! That is completely and utterly unlike you!'  
'I wish I could say being an idiot was unlike you,' Iwaizumi feigned distress. 'I suppose not... oh, if only.'

Oikawa didn't look too pleased. 'Whatever. Hurry up and clean!'

Iwaizumi sighed. This guy was so stupid it was impossible to argue with him. Kind of like playing badminton with somebody so bad that they kept on winning. He rolled his eyes, getting the rest of the chairs flipped over as Oikawa sat there, eating Iwaizumi's small, packed lunch, with not a single drop of thoughtfulness.

'I hope you realise I have to work for that.'

Oikawa looked up, swallowing some of the sandwich before waving Iwaizumi off. 'Oh, no worries,' he smiled that aggravating smile again. 'You can thank me later.'  
'Why the hell would I thank you for eating my food?' Iwaizumi snarled, grabbing back the sandwich before taking a bite. He was hungry. He was saving that for later; he knew there wouldn't be any dinner waiting for him.

Oikawa blinked. 'Woah, indirect kiss. Oh, okay, I see you, Iwa.'

Iwaizumi shot the brunette a dirty look. 'I will punch you.'

Oikawa yawned. 'How many times have you said that?' he questioned. 'So many. Yet you haven't punched me once.'

Iwaizumi, once again, chose to ignore Oikawa. 'Just stop eating my food,' Iwaizumi told him. 'You don't get it.'  
'What?'  
'You probably have some lovely dinner waiting for you at home,' Iwaizumi stated. 'But I don't. I'm hungry, and I was saving that.'  
'But it's way past lunch time.'

Iwaizumi shook his head. 'Yeah. Just have it.'

He turned around, finishing up his task. A couple of minutes later, he turned back to Oikawa, whose eyes were scanning Iwaizumi's body one moment, and looking away the next.

Iwaizumi inhaled. 'Oikawa. I'm leaving. Bye.'

'No, no!' Oikawa now decided to spring up from his seat. 'I told you I'd come with you!'  
'And I told you that'd make me feel worse.'  
'Do you even know the way home from here?'  
Iwaizumi paused. He didn't, but he could follow the road his father took, couldn't he? 'I can follow the road.'

'No, there aren't pavements everywhere. Besides, it's dark. Unless you were the one driving, you're probably going to get lost.'

Iwaizumi considered Oikawa's words. 'But you don't know where I live.'

'And you can tell me.'

'Argh,' Iwaizumi grumbled, wanting to punch something. 'Fine. But you're not allowed to talk. Promise?'

'Yeah, sure. Promise.'

Iwaizumi didn't really believe him, but he wanted to get home. With that thought in mind, the pair locked up the restaurant before looking out into the dark.

'I'm rethinking this.'

Iwaizumi turned to Oikawa. 'Alright. I'll go alone.'  
'No! It's dangerous! And scary!' Oikawa stepped closer to Iwaizumi. 'Promise you'll protect me?'  
'No.'  
'I'm not showing you the way then!'

Iwaizumi knew Oikawa was his best bet.

'Fine. I'll protect you, Shittykawa.'


	5. Not a First Date

Oikawa seemed to have a lot to talk about.

They had been walking for five minutes and Iwaizumi could've sworn that the other boy hadn't even stopped yapping to breathe for a second. He thought back to what he had heard—he couldn't remember if it was Madoka who had told him or Satomi—about Oikawa being pretty lonely.

He could kind of see it now.

Most people wouldn't spend all their time sitting on the till at a restaurant, laughing every time a waiter or waitress slipped up, calling out slightly lewd remarks and eating their lunch. Satomi had said the two were around the same age, and if that was the case, Oikawa had just left behind his teenage years. He was still young. Why waste it all at a restaurant?

Iwaizumi nodded along as Oikawa continued blabbering.

'—And I did say that I couldn't swim, right? But guess what! I saw Horrid Henry throw away everybody's swim suits on the bus, and guess what? I did it too, and guess what happened? Swimming was cancelled for a week! The school thought it was a privilege but guess what? In reality, we all hated it! Oh, by the way, guess what happened when—?!'

'Oikawa.'

'—Yup, you guessed it. It was a week—!'

'Oikawa!'

'—Then I was like... bro what? And she was like yeah, and the guy was—'

'Shittykawa.'

The brunette stopped prattling, turning to look at Iwaizumi. 'Yes?'

'I hope you realise this is a one-way conversation.'

'It's better than talking to my beautiful self in the mirror.'

'Wouldn't this be worse?' Iwaizumi asked, his brows drawn together. 'Because at least when you're talking to yourself, you aren't bothering someone. Besides, don't you get to look at your beautiful self in the mirror?'

'Oh, Iwa!' Oikawa gushed. 'You think I'm beautiful?'

Iwaizumi glanced at Oikawa from the corner of his eye. He knew it was a joke, but that wasn't the only thing it was. Oikawa had nice hair, pretty brown eyes, a cute smile. Iwaizumi would classify that as beautiful; wouldn't anybody? 'Yeah, I guess.'

Oikawa's brown eyes widened and he looked away from Iwaizumi and to the front.  
'Thah—thuh—thanks,' he stammered, going quiet all of a sudden. Iwaizumi couldn't help but be amused. He was one of those guys. Could say a bunch but the moment somebody else said it...  
Iwaizumi chuckled.

'Hu-hey! The heck are you laughing at?!'

'Shut up, stupid,' Iwaizumi told the other boy, who did as he was told. Oikawa's sudden shyness resulted in the pair walking in silence for a little. Iwaizumi wasn't surprised when Oikawa spoke up again.  
'Why work at the restaurant?'

'Huh? You already know why; you eavesdropped, remember?'

'No, I meaaan,' Oikawa dragged the word on, 'you don't look like you enjoy it. And, well, do your parents work too? Why do you work?'  
'What's with the sudden interest?'  
'I was interested from the beginning.'

Something about his tone made Iwaizumi feel like he was getting at something else.

'Well,' he cleared his throat, 'I'm an adult. Most people our age work.'

'I meant... do you have a family?'

'Yeah,' Iwaizumi nodded. 'My parents. My dad's a bit old, though. And my mum has this whole idea about how women don't work. I disagree but... they're my parents.'

Oikawa's eyes sparkled. 'Woah,' he grinned. 'What's your dad like? Does he talk to you a lot?'  
'Yeah,' Iwaizumi answered. 'All the time. Probably because he doesn't have a job anymore; I assume he has nothing better to do. But even when he did, he always made time for my mother and I.'  
Oikawa stared at Iwaizumi, somewhat doe-eyed. 'Awe,' his smile was wide. Why was hearing about Iwaizumi's father exciting him so much? 'And your mum? What's she like?'

Iwaizumi felt something tug at his heart. He stopped walking. 'Oikawa. Tell me about your parents.'

Oikawa froze, slowly turning to face Iwaizumi. 'Uh, my parents?'

'Yeah.'

'My mum, she... she is so nice. She reads a lot of books to me and stuff. And my dad is funny. And, uh, he likes... fishing. He takes me fishing all the time.'

Iwaizumi thought back to Satomi's words. I think he's just really lonely.

He looked back up at Oikawa, who was mumbling about his parents, almost as if trying to convince Iwaizumi that... he had them.

Iwaizumi shook his head, stepping forwards and wrapping his arms around Oikawa. 'Shut up,' he muttered. 'Just shut up.'

Oikawa's body tensed under Iwaizumi's embrace. But he slowly wrapped his arms around Iwaizumi's torso. 'Okay.'

Iwaizumi didn't really realise what he was doing when he was doing it, but he didn't care when he realised it. He pulled back, ignoring the heat that was clambering up his neck. 'Do you want to talk about it?'  
Even in the dark, beneath the light of the closest lamppost, Oikawa's blush was evident. A bright pink was dusted across his cheeks. 'Mu—mah—may...'

Iwaizumi snorted. 'Come on,' he started walking again, Oikawa following his lead. 'You don't have to tell me anything.'

And so they walked in silence again. A silence which obviously did not last.

'Iwa..'

'Mhm?'

'Can you hug me again?'

'No.'

Oikawa laughed. 'As expected.'  
'Why ask, then?'  
'It was worth a try, right?'  
'Not really.'

Oikawa smiled into his scarf. 'Whatever you say.'  
Iwaizumi's stomach grumbled loudly just as he was about to speak. Oikawa, who had started walking ahead, whipped around to look at Iwaizumi, who flushed in embarrassment. 'Sorry,' he muttered.

The corner of Oikawa's mouth quirked upwards. 'Not to worry,' he squeaked as they turned a corner. Only then did Iwaizumi realise where they were. There were a couple of small shops, illuminating the area, almost like a forcefield fighting against the dark. He noted a couple of the shops, such as the Co-op and McColl's. He also identified a place that sold Chinese food.  
'Hey, this isn't—'

'I know,' Oikawa butt in, taking Iwaizumi's hand. 'I thought that... I should bring you here to, uhm, make up for eating your food.'  
Iwaizumi tried to ignore the feeling of Oikawa's fingers interlaced with his own. 'Er—I don't have much money on me. I only have the money for the bus that—'

'Don't be silly, Iwa-chan,' Oikawa wheedled. 'I'm paying, duh.'

Iwaizumi wanted to say no, but he let Oikawa tug him to one of the shops anyway. Majority of them seemed to be open for another hour or two. They entered McColl's. Oikawa let go of Iwaizumi's hand to pick up a tub of Salt and Pepper Pringles. 'Hey, no way! I didn't know they sold this flavour here!'

'Hey, Oikawa, can you be a bit quieter? People are—'

'Do you want some?' Oikawa picked up another three tubs. The tall ones. Iwaizumi shook his head in disgust.  
'That flavour? Hell no.'  
'You've had these before?'  
'No,' Iwaizumi joined Oikawa in selecting the flavour. 'I've only had... these ones.'

Iwaizumi pointed at the red ones.

Oikawa gasped. 'You have only ever tried one flavour?!'

'My dad's not a fan of—'

'Okay, sweetie, no,' Oikawa turned to look Iwaizumi in the eye. 'I'm going to make you try every flavour. And you will come to see that Salt and Pepper is the best.'  
'Yeah, yeah, we'll see.'  
Oikawa grinned. 'Alright! Help me carry these.'

Iwaizumi held his arms out as Oikawa dumped a bunch of tubs into them.

They made their way to the till, but something caught Iwaizumi's eye.

A slushie machine.

Even before Iwaizumi's father had lost his job, money had been running low. Iwaizumi knew his parents had try to conceal it, but he knew nonetheless. Though, there were tons of things he wanted but couldn't have while he grew up, and slushies? They were one of them.

Iwaizumi had a slushie once. It was his birthday.

Oikawa poked Iwaizumi's shoulder. 'Are you staring at the slushie machine?'

Iwaizumi flushed. 'No, no,' he denied. 'I was looking at the poster.'

'You're such a pervert,' Oikawa mused, slapping Iwaizumi's butt. 'Looking at a poster with half naked girls all over it?'

'You can't call me a pervert and just slap—'

Oikawa stepped up to the till, easily managing a conversation with the woman behind it. Iwaizumi paid no attention, until Oikawa added slushies to the mix. 'May I also get two slushies?' the woman nodded, asking what flavour he'd like. 'A mix, obviously.'

The woman turned around to fill up two cups.

Iwaizumi had to work to hide his smile as Oikawa handed him one of the cups, once they got out the shop.

He looked up from the slushie to Oikawa, who was watching him with a small smile.

The moment their eyes met Oikawa looked away. 'I knew you wanted one of those,' he took a sip of his own. 'Eyeing it like my neighbour's puppy eyes a brand new pack of dog food.'  
Iwaizumi allowed himself a smile. 'Yeah?'

'Yeah, and, by the way, I swear you smiling is making me hard.'

Iwaizumi choked on the slushie. 'Don't just say things like that randomly!'

Oikawa laughed loudly. 'You're adorable.'

'Fuck up, Shittykawa.'

'I think you meant fuck off.'

'That's what I said.'

'No. You said—'

'—Fuck off. I said fuck off.'

Oikawa smiled as he realised what Iwaizumi was doing. 'No—'

'Sh.'

'Did you just _sh_ me?'

Iwaizumi cracked a grin. 'Yes, honey. Get used to it.'

Oikawa laughed again. 'Hey, Iwa-chan?'

'Yeah?'

Oikawa looked down at the slushie in his hands, somewhat shyly. 'Uhm, when I meet new people... I try to get to know them, because, um, I want to make new friends. But, uh, usually... usually I get a little bit... bored. But, um...' Iwaizumi found it slightly endearing; this guy who always seemed so overconfident is here, stammering. 'Um, I.. uh.. I really enjoyed today.'

'You're making it sound like it was a date.'

'Oh, I didn't tell you? It was.'

'What?! No, it wasn't. I didn't agree.'

'Um, no, I think it was.'

'It was not.'

'I'm writing that it was our first date in my diary.'

'It was not a date, Oikawa.'

Oikawa grinned. 'Not to you, Iwa-chan,' he turned around, walking off again. 'But to me, it was.'

Iwaizumi shook his head, following the idiot. 'Hey, wait for me. I still don't know the way home from here.'

'Mhm. Just follow me, handsome.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! This chapter is so much longer than the others! Gomen!


	6. Don't Slip Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have 24 overdue assignments...  
> ...but here i am anyway.

Iwaizumi was over the moon.

Madoka had told them all that the restaurant had been selected to host a child's birthday party. A large one at that. Whilst that meant more work for Iwaizumi, it also meant more tips, and the faster he could make money, the better. He still hadn't paid off the expenses for the uniform.

Satomi stood beside Iwaizumi, gazing out at the tranquillity showcased by the shiny, glass windows. 'Ugh, parties are the worst.'  
Iwaizumi shrugged. 'I don't mind. More money, right?'  
'If you don't mess up,' Satomi nudged him. 'Better perfect that winning smile, huh?'

'Speaking of winning smiles,' it was undeniably Oikawa's voice, as he strolled over to them, wearing his very own signature smile. 'I'm pretty sure I've already mastered that art.'  
Satomi flashed a wide smile. 'Me too.'

Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes. 'Weirdos.'

'Hey, did you know that only people with a narrow outlook on life call people weirdos?' Oikawa grinned at Iwaizumi, reaching up to pinch his cheeks. 'Show us your smile, Iwa-chan.'  
Iwaizumi brought his knee up, attacking Oikawa where it would hurt most. The brunette yelped before crumpling to his knees.

Iwaizumi smiled.

Oikawa looked up, angrily, despite the blush on his cheeks. He clasped his area, shaking a little. 'Ow—shit. That fucking hurt,' he grit out, trembling. 'Arghh, Iwa..' he groaned. 'Why the fuck—?'  
Iwaizumi shrugged, fluidly. 'You wanted to see me smile, so... I gave myself a reason to smile.'  
Oikawa leaned forwards until his forehead was pressed against the heated floor. 'You dickhead..'

Satomi rushed to her knees. 'Tooru?'

He looked up, his eyes brimming with tears. 'Fuck you, Iwaizumi.'

Oikawa saying his full name sent a shiver down Iwaizumi's spine.

Iwaizumi, however, shrugged again before turning away. All Oikawa-related thoughts aside, what really mattered here was the birthday party later on tonight. If Iwaizumi wanted to start making money for something other than his uniform, he'd have to be on top of his game. 

As he walked off, he couldn't help but trying out different smiles. Should he grin, shoot a half-smile, a wide smile, a small smile? Did smiling even suit him?

He shook his head. Whatever. All that mattered was the opportunity at hand, and he was not about to let it go to waste.

* * *

Iwaizumi felt a little uneasy. 

During his short time at the restaurant, he had managed to mess up tons. Sometimes he asked people what they wanted the moment they sat down, sometimes he completely forgot to ask, and one time, he even made a little boy cry.

But he did manage to cheer the kid up afterwards, which had actually got him a tip, but that was besides the point. He sat on the steps by the backdoor of the restaurant, waiting for the birthday party participants to arrive. He took in the calm breeze that played a little with his hair, calming himself. 

He wasn't nervous. 

He just didn't want to lose this opportunity.

Somebody sat down beside him. 'What're you stressing about?'  
Iwaizumi didn't even turn to look at Oikawa. 'Can you go away?'  
'No,' Oikawa used his finger to tilt Iwaizumi's head in his direction. 'Apologise.'  
'For what?'  
'For hurting me earlier.'

'No.'

Oikawa smiled. He smiled a terrifying smile. As if there was pure malice hidden behind it. He let his hand drop. 'Alright,' he patted Iwaizumi's shoulder. 'I gave you a chance. Now, you're going to suffer the consequences.'

Iwaizumi frowned as Oikawa got up. 'Consequences?'

Oikawa laid a hand on the door's bar before he turned to look back down at Iwaizumi. He smiled again, though this time, it was a normal smile. It almost shook Iwaizumi; the way Oikawa could control the message his face gave off. Almost like telepathy, but with his face muscles. 'Hm? What about consequences?'

Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes. 'Don't play dumb, Trashykawa.'

'Iwaizumi,' Oikawa spoke, softly. It horrified Iwaizumi. 'Today I'm going to show you what happens when you disrespect me. Me. The great Tooru Oikawa. Were you hoping to make some good money today?'

Iwaizumi blinked. 

Oikawa smiled. 'Don't slip up. Okay, sweetie?'

* * *

Iwaizumi could confidently say that he was doing fine. 

He had served a few tables already—the party really was huge—and had also done so without messing up. Not even once. The tray he held carried a bunch of small bottles containing orange juice, whilst in the other hand, he held the standard tool every waiter or waitress was equipped with; a notebook.

He slapped on a smile, leaning down to place the tray on the table just as somebody yelled his name.

'Hey, Iwa! Do you want me to go pull the toilet out the bathrooms? You look like you need it!'

Iwaizumi, acting in surprise, dropped the tray onto the plate. A few of the bottles rolled off the table, whilst one of them rolled onto a woman's lap, and another cracked open, landing in a little girl's plate.

Iwaizumi scowled. That son of a bitch. 

He cursed under his breath as one of his fellow waiters quickly started cleaning up a puddle of orange juice on the ground. Iwaizumi bent down to help him, furiously. 

'Hey man, you good?' the other guy asked. He looked slightly older than Iwaizumi, maybe in his late twenties or early thirties. Iwaizumi searched his name tag. Souta.   
'Yeah,' Iwaizumi responded, dully. 'Just slipped.'  
'That's alright,' Souta nodded from under the table. 'It's natural to stress about something this big when you're new,' he got up. 'You'll get used to it.'

Iwaizumi nodded. After he cleaned up the mess and apologised to the unhappy table, Iwaizumi scanned the area for Oikawa. He caught the brunette sitting on one of the currently closed tills, scrolling through his phone. 

Before Iwaizumi could even think of his method of murder, Madoka called out to him, telling him to be more careful. Iwaizumi nodded, simply deciding to continue with the task at hand. 

That stupid idiot could wait.

No matter how hard he tried, that woman that he had spilled orange juice on continued to glower at him. He was, fortunately, able to redeem himself a little... in the eyes of the children. 

Iwaizumi took a deep breath. 

He was going to pull himself together. He had to.

If he wanted to prove to his parents that they really were his number one priority..

It was the only choice he had. He exhaled, slapping on a smile before turning back around to face the customers. He had this in the bag. And he was not going to let Oikawa ruin it for him.


	7. Kissed You, Wronged You

'Iwa-chan! You dropped something!'

'Iwa! Are you a model or a waiter? Stop doing that with your ass!'

'Are you trying to hide a boner or something?! What're you walking like that for?!'

'Hajime Iwaizumi, stop being so handsome! That woman probably has a husband!'

Iwaizumi, furiously, whirled around, continuing his job. All evening, Oikawa had been yelling things at him, making him mess up one way or another. He had even told one of the kids that Iwaizumi was a kidnapper, and now every child in the restaurant was desperately trying to avoid him.

Not to mention, one of the men had gotten mad at Iwaizumi. Why? Because he corrected Oikawa by telling him that stealing children is abduction, not kidnapping. 

If Oikawa said one more thing, Iwaizumi was going to lose it.

Maybe he should have apologised for hurting Oikawa after all. One thing was for sure; Oikawa sure as hell was a force to be reckoned with. 

Just as Iwaizumi placed some sort of kids' meal onto one of the tables, he heard another infuriating comment fly from Oikawa's direction. 'Iwa-chan! What the heck are you doing with your face muscles?!'

Iwaizumi inhaled before whirling around. He grabbed Oikawa's wrist before pulling him into the storage area, away from the eyes of the customers. 

'Oikawa. What the fuck?'

'Shouldn't you be serving the people out there?' Oikawa asked, smirking from ear to ear. Iwaizumi took a deep breath.  
'Okay. I hope you realise how important this is to me,' Iwaizumi took an aggressive step forwards. 'I hope you realise that right now, my family is depending on me. I hope you realise that what you're doing isn't just fun and games. This is really ruining my fucking chances, and you can stand here, smiling?'

Oikawa looked directly at Iwaizumi. He was a little taller than Iwaizumi, but the way Iwaizumi's steps had pushed him against the wall caused him to look up slightly. He blinked, innocently. 'Realise what I'm doing?' he murmured. 'I'm not doing anything, sweetheart.'

Iwaizumi wondered if he had ever been this frustrated before. No. He hadn't.

'Oikawa,' he grit out, his fist coming into contact with the wall right beside Oikawa's head with surprising force as he leaned closer. 'Just. Fucking. Stop.'  
Oikawa smiled, but it was that dangerous smile again. 'Stop what, Iwaizumi?' he asked, quietly. 'Am I doing... something other than make you mess up out there?'

Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes. 'Stop messing with me.'

'I'm not,' Oikawa's arms slithered around Iwaizumi's neck. Iwaizumi tensed. 'Oh, I felt that,' Oikawa mused. 'You're uncomfortable, aren't you?'  
Iwaizumi closed his eyes for a brief moment, mentally calming himself before reopening them. Oikawa's eyes flitted down to Iwaizumi's lips, before back up at his eyes.

His eyes were so brown. Not chocolate brown, slightly lighter. A light brown, just like his hair. Iwaizumi couldn't think of a comparison on the spot, but he could say that it was a pretty nice brown.

Oikawa's voice snapped him out of his train of—extremely strange—thoughts. 'You know what would bother you more than anything else I've said to you this evening?'

Iwaizumi thought of pulling away before Oikawa continued. 

'Because, I know. And I know that if it happens, you'll be completely hopeless out there.'

'Yeah, sure, if that's what you think. I'm not that goddamn lousy.'

'Is that so?'

'Yeah. That is so.'

Oikawa's lips curled upwards. 'Alright, hotshot,' he mused. Iwaizumi could feel Oikawa's fingers in his hair, he could feel Oikawa's body against his, and it made him wonder... was this normal? He was pretty sure none of his other friends would do this.

'Oikawa, what are you doing?'

'If you didn't like it,' Oikawa spoke somewhat breathlessly. 'Then you would've pulled away by now.'

'Like what?' Iwaizumi felt the need to whisper. 'I don't understand what we're talking about.'

Oikawa didn't respond.

Not right away.

He pulled Iwaizumi a little closer, his voice hardly audible. 'This is what we're talking about.'

Before Iwaizumi could even comprehend what was happening, Oikawa's lips were against his, soft and sweet, but what was even more surprising was... the way Iwaizumi followed Oikawa's lead. His lips moved against Oikawa's soft ones perfectly in sync, as if this was a dance they had rehearsed many times before.

He felt Oikawa's slender fingers on the back of his neck, in his hair, on his back, everywhere. All he could think was Oikawa. Oikawa. Oikawa. And it was driving him insane. 

_And that bad type of love. Fall prisoner to it and all ends in hurt and heartbreak. That's what they told me._

Iwaizumi suddenly pushed away from Oikawa, his eyes wide. He didn't know what to say, what to think, as he stared—so confused, so lost—at Oikawa, who breathed heavily, his cheeks dusted with a faint pink.

'Wha—where—why?' Iwaizumi looked at his hands as if he didn't quite know what they were, before looking back up at Oikawa, at a loss for words. 'When— _what?_ I'm.. you're.. I don't..—'

Oikawa straightened up, his lips—the same ones that Iwaizumi had just felt against his very own—curled upwards into a smile. Or was it a smirk? Iwaizumi could hardly tell. But that didn't matter.

Oikawa chuckled. 'You're not a bad kisser, Iwa.'

'Hu-how?! How can you just... brush that off like it was... it was nothing? You just, I just.. we just... did something... so fucking wrong.'

'Wrong?' Oikawa's voice was suddenly filled with disbelief. 'Wrong, huh? If that's so wrong, then go out there and pretend nothing happened. Rub it out like it was a little mistake,' Oikawa's tone was venomous. 'Go on,' he urged.  
Iwaizumi could only stare.

His mother, his father... how could he just... push them away like that?

And why...

Iwaizumi turned around, pushing open the door, but not the one that led back into the seating area. The one that led him outside.

And why did he feel like it wasn't as wrong as they had told him it was?

Why was he questioning them now?

What was wrong with him?

No. What was _Oikawa_ doing to him?


	8. Annoying Jerk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll have to say that i don't believe in any of the homophobic things i write in here! one of the messages in this story is that what we put into people's heads really does affect them! please, if you don't want to read anything homophobic (even though i mean none of it) then this book probably isn't for you :(

Iwaizumi was possibly more confused than he ever had been before.

All his life, he grew up being told this was wrong. What he did with Oikawa was wrong. He knew he wasn't excited about getting married but he was going to marry a girl... not a guy. No matter how intriguing he could be, how beautiful his eyes were or how he made Iwaizumi feel. He was going to marry a girl.

Like his parents said. A nice lady who would make a wonderful mother.

Iwaizumi shuddered, so confused. He had been staring out his window—the weather was sort of refreshing. Not as calm as it could be, but it wouldn't be called horrific either. He could always hear the wind, sometimes louder gusts came seeping in through his wide open window, but it wasn't bad. The wood outside his window was dotted with raindrops, even though it wasn't raining anymore—contemplating what could happen next.

More than that, he was... questioning what he had grown up hearing. About that bad type of love. Wait, was he seriously thinking about Oikawa as somebody he could... feel things for? He closed his eyes, feeling the wind caress his face. What he did was wrong.

A kiss that lasted less than a minute versus the things he had been told all his life. It was obvious that his parents were right; women were only supposed to love men. Men were only supposed to love women. That was why men couldn't make children with other men; why women couldn't make children with other women. Because if the world became diseased enough—where people fell in love like that—the human race would die out.

It made sense.

Iwaizumi took a deep breath, inhaling the rain-infested air. He had to stop talking to Oikawa. He had known the boy for how long? A week or two? And he and his brown eyes were already messing Iwaizumi up. Emotionally and physically.

This time he heard his mother come in. She coughed a couple of times for a start, and ever since he got home from the restaurant, his parents seemed more... present than ever. He could hear their footsteps wherever they went... as if they were haunting him.

'Hajime,' his mother wobbled towards him. Iwaizumi took note of how weak she seemed. It occurred to him now that she had been coughing a lot recently. He shot up, helping her down onto his bed. 'Thank you.'

'Mum, are you okay?'

'Of course,' she laughed but it was hoarse. Fear ran down Iwaizumi's back as he took her hands in his, squeezing tightly. Ice cold. 

'Staring out the window again?' her voice shook for a moment before it seemed to regain its balance, in some way. 'Tell me, Hajime, have you got something on your mind?'  
Iwaizumi stared at his mother before looking down at their hands, gripping onto one another. He suddenly remembered the sensation of Oikawa's slender fingers entangled with his own, and it almost made him jolt. He felt rocked to the core, with guilt, with confusion, with a feeling that he couldn't describe. 'No,' he said, though it wasn't strong enough to persuade even himself. 'Nothing.'

'You've been acting strange recently,' she remarked, before sniffling. 'Sometimes you come home annoyed, but sometimes... happy, too. It makes me wonder if there is something happening there?'

Iwaizumi stared at his mother once again. At a loss.

'Or... someone?'

Iwaizumi felt something sting the back of his eyes. His mother would be heartbroken if she knew he had kissed a boy. She would never get over it... yet, Iwaizumi needed her right now. He wanted to tell her everything.

He wanted her to hold him and tell him it would be okay. That it was alright to not understand.

But he couldn't tell her what he had done.

He swallowed his guilt. 'There is... someone.'

His mother's eyes lit up. 'Tell me all about her!' her grip on Iwaizumi's hands tightened. 'Oh, Hajime! You have no idea how proud I am. Tell me.'

Iwaizumi took a deep breath. 

'She... she has the most beautiful eyes.'

The affect of his sentence on his mother was remarkable. Her eyes shimmered with tears of joy, and Iwaizumi's heart cracked. He didn't understand how he felt about Oikawa, so he thought if he told his mother she'd help... but seeing her so happy...

It broke his heart.

'What's she like? Describe her! Her face, her body, her personality!'

Iwaizumi felt that sting at the back of his eyes again. He stared down at his mother's hands in his, willing himself to hold it all in. 'She's really stupid... but... she's also... really, I don't know.. really captivating in a way. I don't know how to explain it but she's just so.. annoyingly attractive,' it was good to get this off his chest, even though the pride on his mother's face made him feel horrible all over again, 'and yeah..'

'You sound like you really love her, huh?'

Iwaizumi didn't look up, his eyes widening. Loving Oikawa would be the worst possible thing that could happen him. If that happened, he wouldn't know what to do.

'No,' he responded. 'Well, I think I... like her. But love?'

His mother smiled. 'I'd love to meet her. What's her name?'

Iwaizumi swallowed down his nerves. 'Her name is..' he flushed. What could he say? Tori? No... but things could get further out of hand. He needed a real person. 'Her name is Satomi.'

His mother took his hand. Squeezed. Smiled. 'That's amazing, Hajime,' she spoke softly, happily. Iwaizumi felt as though everything inside of him was about to topple over. Like Jenga. Everything he had heard growing up, everything he felt with Oikawa, everything he doubted because of Oikawa... the tower was tall and sturdy once.

And Oikawa was that one piece that made everything fall to the ground.

Only, he wasn't taken from the tower. He was added to the tower.

Iwaizumi hadn't noticed the stinging in his eyes until his mother confronted him. 'Hey, hey, Hajime,' she queried, shaking him slightly. 'What's the matter? You look as though... awh, baby, I don't want to see you cry.'

Her arms came around him.

Iwaizumi leaned into her embrace, suddenly disappointed that he was no longer small enough to be encaged by her arms. He buried his face into her shoulder, willing himself not to cry. Why, in the first place, did he want to cry? Why did he feel like he had already lost something that he never had in the first place?

'Baby, what's the matter?'

After a few moments of silence, 'I can't have her...' he whispered, helplessly. 

'Why not, darling?' His mother rubbed his back, her voice filled with concern.  
Iwaizumi's response was slightly belated. 'Because... her parents don't want her to marry somebody like me,' he mumbled. He wasn't talking about Oikawa's parents. He was talking about his own parents. And Oikawa wasn't the one who was getting held back. Iwaizumi was. 'They think... they think it's wrong.'

'This is not the bad type of love, Hajime,' his mother soothed. Her words made him feel one million times worse. His heart cracked a little more, just then. 'You should fight for her.'  
'What if... why? If her parents think it's wrong.. then why?'  
'It doesn't matter what her parents think,' his mother's voice was so soft so soft so soft. Iwaizumi suddenly felt a tear roll down his cheek. 'Because if you love somebody, it doesn't matter who thinks it's wrong...'

If only she knew. If only she knew.

Iwaizumi's tears came faster, his sobs louder. He was shaking in his mother's arms as though everything around him was ice cold, he was freezing, and his mother was the heat he needed to survive. He tried to bite back his pain, how he felt, but he couldn't.

Because he was feeling things he didn't want to feel.

And those feelings... were for Oikawa. For Trashykawa. For the Tooru who was supposed to be a pain in the ass. The annoying jerk who caused Iwaizumi to mess up.

But he was the same annoying jerk who was hiding his broken heart. The same annoying jerk who was alone. The same annoying jerk who Iwaizumi had gone on a Not-a-Date with. The one who made him laugh... who made him feel happy. Happiness. How could you even be happy in a world where everything was temporary?

'Love is forever,' his mother spoke again. 'Go for it. Always.'

Iwaizumi tightened his arms around his mother. He needed somebody. 

But... why did he feel like that somebody wasn't his mother?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who do you think Iwaizumi will choose? Oikawa... or his parents?


	9. Fight for Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for anybody who doesn't know; plasters are just band aids

_Ignore him._

Iwaizumi had purposely avoided the restaurant, but that lasted one day. He came to realise that in the end, his family needed him, and he was going to be there for them. After having missed his shift the previous day, Iwaizumi was pretty persuaded that he'd get a bit of an earful from Madoka.

But that was the least of his worries. He had to get over whatever this thing with Oikawa was. 

He had been standing in front of the backdoor to the restaurant for around ten minutes now, glowering at the metal hand bar. He was conflicted. By stepping into this restaurant, he was helping his family. But, at the same time, by stepping into this restaurant... he was breaking the hearts of his family. 

Couldn't he work anywhere else?

No. He couldn't. All thanks to his mother's relationship with Madoka, and Madoka's desperate need of employees. 

Iwaizumi continued to stare at the door. 

He had already thought this over; he had already decided to go in and ignore how he felt. So why was he still doubting himself? His decision?

He sucked in a deep breath. Clenched his fists. Exhaled.

'I've been watching you stand in front of that door for _years,_ now.'

Iwaizumi jolted. 

'Uhm,' he cleared his throat, turning to look at Oikawa, who was leaning against the wall. He met the brunette's gaze, refusing to let Oikawa get the upper hand here. 'Do you need to go in?'  
Oikawa simply studied Iwaizumi for a moment before folding his arms. 'Nah.'  
'Then what are you waiting for?'  
'Nothing. Well, not really,' Oikawa shot Iwaizumi a suggestive grin. 'I guess you could say I was waiting for you, since you know, you ran off like a little bitch boy yesterday. I was going to talk to you, but watching you stare at the door like that was rather amusing.'

Iwaizumi remained silent as Oikawa stepped forwards. 'And you know what made it even funnier?'

Iwaizumi struggled to maintain eye contact. He felt wrong inside, but he also felt a sense of yearning. He wanted this to be alright. He wanted them to be alright. He hadn't spent much time with Oikawa, but he found that he... wanted to. He wanted to get to know this guy. 

Oikawa's lips were by Iwaizumi's ear now. 'The fact that I know... _this_ is because of me.'

Iwaizumi said nothing as Oikawa pulled away, suddenly flashing his signature smile. Iwaizumi knew it was fake. Every time. He abruptly felt the desire to see Oikawa smile... a real smile. 'Well, see you around, handsome!'

Oikawa opened the door before disappearing inside.

Iwaizumi turned around. Took a deep breath. Punched the wall beside him. 'Dammit,' he hissed, furious with himself but even more so with Oikawa. 'Damn it all.'

'Iwaizumi!'

Iwaizumi turned around only to see Satomi jogging up to him, smiling widely. Her ash blonde hair blew about her face in the wind as she reached him. Her chocolate brown eyes widened upon seeing Iwaizumi's bleeding fist. 'Iwai-Iwaizumi?! What happened?'

Iwaizumi stared down at his fist. He hadn't noticed the blood. 

Satomi grabbed his hand before he had the chance to respond. She looked up at him. 'What happened?'

Iwaizumi looked up from his hand. The moment his gaze met Satomi's, she blushed. 'Uhm, I mean..' she let go of his hand, stepping back. 'Sorry, sorry,' she laughed nervously, 'I shouldn't have just—yeah—uhm, I'm sorry?'

'It's fine,' Iwaizumi told her, patting her shoulder with his other hand. 'Actually, can you help me with cleaning this up? I, uh, I don't know if there're plasters and whatnot.'

Satomi smiled at him. 'Of course! Come along, there's a first aid kit. And while we're at it,' she held the door open for him, 'what on Earth happened to your hand?'

Iwaizumi hesitated as he followed her into the office-like room. 'I punched the wall.'  
Satomi rolled her eyes, playfully. 'Stupid.'

Iwaizumi thought back to last night. How he had told his mother that his girlfriend was named Satomi. For a moment, he thought he could ask Satomi to come to dinner, just so his parents thought he liked a girl. However, from what little clues he picked up—he wasn't entirely oblivious—Satomi seemed to like him, if even a little, and he did appreciate her as a friend. Because of that, he didn't want to give her the wrong idea. Lead her on. Hurt her.

'Helloo?' 

Iwaizumi blinked. 'Sorry.'

She only looked back down at his hand. She was wiping away the blood, a small smile on her face. Iwaizumi stared at her. She was pretty. But... he couldn't ever imagine himself feeling the way he did about Oikawa... with her in his place. He wished—more than anything—that he could. If he felt this way about Satomi... then everything would be so much easier.

'Why are you...' Satomi's cheeks were tinged bright red, 'why are you looking at me like that, Iwaizumi?'

Iwaizumi looked away. 'Sorry, I was just thinking.'

'That's okay,' she pulled out a large box, opening it to reveal a bunch of different plasters. 'Wanna choose yours?'

Iwaizumi was about to decline when he saw Satomi's face. He sighed. 'Sure.'

He peered into the box. Something caught his eye and he pulled it out, a small smile spreading across his lips. 'Is this a Godzilla plaster?'  
Satomi laughed aloud before pulling her sleeve up and revealing her elbow. 'Yup!'

Iwaizumi smiled at the plaster on her elbow. Godzilla. 'Very well,' he chuckled. 'I will also use this one.'  
Satomi giggled as peeled it away from the plastic. She hesitated, before looking up at Iwaizumi. 'I'm sorry but you probably need a bandage.'  
Iwaizumi shrugged. 'You can put it on top of the bandage?'

'What are you doing?'

Iwaizumi and Satomi both looked up to see Oikawa. He was peering down at them, looking from the box of plasters, to Iwaizumi's blood and finally to Satomi's hands holding Iwaizumi's. 

Satomi grinned up at him. 'Just getting plasters. Did you know Iwaizumi also likes Godzilla?'  
Iwaizumi looked away from Oikawa and back down at his hand. He didn't want Oikawa here. No, he did. But he couldn't want him here. He couldn't want him at all.

Oikawa sat down beside them, his eyes lingering on Satomi and Iwaizumi's hands. 'I like Godzilla too.'

Satomi laughed loudly. 'Since when? Tooru, you hate it.'

'No I don't.'

'What happened to your alien obsession? Remember that?'

Iwaizumi stifled a laugh. 

Oikawa looked at him, frowning as his cheeks flushed red. He folded his arms, saying nothing. Iwaizumi turned back to Satomi. 'As I was saying, before we were rudely interrupted—' Oikawa huffed at that, '—you can put the plaster on top of the bandage.' 

Satomi took hold of his wrist. 'Alright.'

Oikawa leaned forwards. 'Hey! I'm better at this first aid stuff,' he grabbed Iwaizumi's hand. 'Let me do it.'

Satomi looked up at him, snatching back Iwaizumi's hand. 'No, he asked _me_ to do it.'

Oikawa pulled Iwaizumi's hand towards him. 'Shut up, Tomi. Nobody gives a crap about your crush on Iwa-chan.'  
Satomi blushed furiously. 'What?!' she, again, took hold of Iwaizumi's hand. 'Nobody gives a crap about _your_ crush on Iwa-chan!'

'Only _I_ get to call him that!'  
As Oikawa grabbed Iwaizumi's hand again, Iwaizumi felt a searing sharp pain. 'Ouch!' he hissed, pulling his hand to himself, waving it about like crazy. 'Shit,' he muttered, trying to fight back the pain. _'Shit.'_  
He looked down at his fist. Because he had punched a wall studded with stones, his skin was pretty vulnerable. Oikawa and Satomi's petty argument resulted in his skin having been yanked further, and it hurt like hell. It must have caught on to something, but right now, Iwaizumi didn't care what.

He stood up as the blood slowly slid off the side of his hand. He didn't want to be mad at them, but he couldn't really help it. 'Shit, you guys. What the hell's wrong with you?'

Satomi looked down. 'I'm sorry... I just wanted to help.'

This was Oikawa's fault, or at least Oikawa started it. But Satomi had continued it. 

Iwaizumi turned around as Oikawa stood up. 'Iwa—'

'Forget it. It's fine,' he winced as he touched the split skin. 'I'll clean this up myself.'

He turned away, but all he could think about was they way they had both fought over him that way. He felt weird things when he was around Oikawa, but he also sort of liked Satomi. As a friend or not, he didn't want to lose her. He didn't want to lose Oikawa either. 

But he had to.

Maybe Satomi really _was_ the better option.


	10. Breaking My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh bad news; i'm kind of wanting to get this story over and done with but i know if i rush it, it'll be even worse! i put a lot of effort into planning this out and i don't want it all to go to waste. i'm thankful for anybody who's still reading, but forgive me if it goes downhill from here! (΄◞ิ౪◟ิ‵)

Holding trays with his right hand was painful. 

Iwaizumi placed the tray down on the wrong table, really needing to take the strain off his hand. He had covered his injury up, and it wasn't a big deal, but it sure as hell was making everything one thousand times more difficult. 

He picked the tray up again, wincing as he walked over to the correct table. The moment he set it down, relief flooded through him. Iwaizumi glanced over at Souta, who was jotting down some orders. Then at Satomi, who was showing an elderly man to his table. And finally at Oikawa, who sat at a table alone, his face planted into the table. 

Iwaizumi sighed, walking over to him. No. His legs walked over to him. His brain screamed no but his body wouldn't listen. 'What're you doing? Shouldn't you show some table manners?'

When Oikawa looked up, Iwaizumi sucked in a breath. His eyes brimmed with tears, his nose red and his cheeks flushed. Iwaizumi put down his other tray, leaning down. 'Trashykawa?'  
Oikawa let his head fall back onto the table. 'Fuck me.'

Iwaizumi froze. 'Uh—what?'

'I didn't mean it like that...' Oikawa drawled. Iwaizumi sat down next to him, patting his back. People were there for their friends. This was normal.   
''Kawa, what's the matter?'

Oikawa groaned, revealing his fist. 

It was bloody. 

'I punched a wall,' he explained, before wincing. 'And—fuck—it hurts.'

Iwaizumi blinked. 'Why the hell would you do that?'  
'Why the hell would you do that?'  
'Because you're frustrating as hell.'  
'Exactly!'

Iwaizumi shook his head. 'You dumbass.'

'Your dumbass.'

'No... Oikawa..'

'What?'

Iwaizumi stood up, turning around. 'Sorry, I need to work.'

Oikawa grabbed his wrist. 'No. Come with me.'

Iwaizumi shook his head. 'No. You don't understand.'

'Exactly. I want to understand why you're holding back,' Oikawa rubbed away his drying tears, managing a small smile. 'I mean, it's obvious that you like me.'

'Gwah-what?' Iwaizumi choked. 'No, I—'

'Save it, Princess,' Oikawa tugged Iwaizumi towards him. 'I want to know why.'

Iwaizumi nodded, reluctantly. This had been bothering him for ages. He had to get it off his chest. 'Fine,' he responded, monotonously. 'But don't call me princess.'

'Whatever you say, Princess.'

* * *

Iwaizumi now sat on the grass.

Oikawa had taken him out the restaurant and, after walking for a few minutes, to a large field of grass. They had sat down, but a loud silence took over.

Iwaizumi cleared his throat, slowly moving himself a little away from Oikawa. Their proximity reminded him of a lot of things. That hug. That kiss. And right now, he didn't need it. He couldn't have it. 'So, uhm..'

'Tell me,' Oikawa turned to Iwaizumi. His fist was now bandaged, but he still played around with it. 'Tell me why you won't just... relax.'

There was a wind. Not particularly soft, but not too harsh. It was strong enough to mess with the leaves of trees, but not strong enough to shake the trees. It played with Iwaizumi's hair, brushed through Oikawa's. Iwaizumi glanced up at Oikawa. 'It's wrong. That's why.'

'What is wrong? Me? You—?'

'Us.'

'Huh?'

'You're a boy, I'm a boy, it's just wrong,' Iwaizumi explained, his heart feeling like a weight that his mind was struggling to left. 'I'm sorry but that's the rock solid reality of it.'  
'And who says that?'  
'It's just common sense, Oikawa,' Iwaizumi had to get out everything that had been bothering him, but he hadn't known that anger was a part of that mix. But what was he angry about? 'Deep down, you know this is wrong. Bad. Disgusting.'

'Disgusting...' it wasn't a question. Wasn't a statement. An agreement. It was Oikawa. Oikawa not understanding. 'How... is it disgusting, Iwaizumi?'

Iwaizumi almost shuddered at his full name. 'You know it is. Common sense. Logic. The way this world works is... women and men together... okay? Because if it were like you and I, the human race would simply die out. This kind of...' he didn't want to call it love, because he didn't love Oikawa. He only felt things when he was around him, 'this kind of feeling. It's like a disease.'

'And I'm ill.'

Iwaizumi's head shot up. 'What?'

'I'm love sick,' Oikawa smiled, sadly. Iwaizumi felt his heart breaking further. 'It hurts that you think that way, Iwa-chan. It hurts that I'm just...' Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa's smiles were hardly ever genuine, but this time, his smile couldn't disguise how hurt he was. 'I'm just a burden. I'm just a curse, aren't I?'

Iwaizumi didn't have the ability to speak.

That was how he thought of Oikawa.

'I...' Iwaizumi could see Oikawa's façade beginning to crack. 'I knew something was up.. but I seriously thought you were just shy. Maybe new to... this? Because I am. I haven't ever felt like this... and for how long have I known you?'

'..Not long at all...'

'Mhm,' Oikawa swallowed, refusing to look up at Iwaizumi. An abrupt, louder, stronger gust of wind swept away the warmth between them. 'And I already want to spend every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year with you. You know when you hugged me that night, on our first... can't-call-it-a-date-but-it-actually-was... do you remember that?'

_Yes. But I'm more concerned about that kiss, for crying out loud._

'Yeah..'

'I felt so... happy, in that one moment,' Oikawa laughed as if pitying himself but also cursing himself for his stupidity. 'It made me wonder if I liked you. It didn't take me long to get an answer.'

Iwaizumi wasn't surprised. He wasn't happy. All he felt was... sadness. Helplessness. Dread. 'Oh.'

Oikawa shook his head. 'I like you.'

'I got that.'

'I might even love you.'

'Damn.'

Oikawa looked up at Iwaizumi. Gave a chuckle of disbelief. Something that may not have been a laugh at all. 'You're breaking my heart.'

'Sorry.'

Iwaizumi felt cold inside. He wasn't sad anymore, wasn't happy, he was just numb. Every fibre of his being felt as though it had been left outside in the rain, had grown so used to the cold that it no longer felt it. He finally forced himself to look up at Oikawa.

The brunette had his arms around his legs, his face buried into his knees. His body shook gently. Iwaizumi knew he was probably crying. He took a deep breath. 'Oikawa... I'm sorry.'  
'I know. I forgive you.'  
'Please stop crying.'  
'I'm not crying,' his voice contradicted his words.

After a few moments of silence, 'it's what I have grown up hearing...' Iwaizumi muttered, barely audible. 'My parents always told me it was wrong. I know if they knew... how I felt about you...' Iwaizumi never once looked away from Oikawa, even though his face was buried into his knees. 'They would be heartbroken.'

'I get it. I know how that feels.'

Iwaizumi looked down at his hands. He breathed out slowly. He thought that telling Oikawa the truth would make him feel better. Would take the weight off his shoulders. Prove his parents would always come first.

But now he wanted Oikawa even more. Now he felt as though it wasn't disgusting... but could be something really beautiful. He looked up at the beautiful brunette. 

'I.. I might even...'

But Iwaizumi paused. If he told Oikawa may love him too, then he would be giving Oikawa hope... and what if he were to crush that hope again?

'I'm sorry. I don't feel the same.'

Oikawa's body stopped shaking. He looked up, slowly, his eyes bloodshot. 'You don't mean that.'

'I love Satomi.'

Oikawa opened his mouth and closed it several times.

'And I've already told my mother about her.'

Oikawa swallowed.

'And she's going to come have dinner with my family.'

Oikawa stared at Iwaizumi as if he didn't quite know who he was. His eyes were glassy, but they were now filled with so much more than sadness. He didn't even bother smiling to cover it up. He and Iwaizumi both knew... it wouldn't be enough.

Iwaizumi didn't know why he had to tell Oikawa so much... Would it work? Would it help Oikawa get over him...? Iwaizumi was realising things all the time, and one of those things were that the heart never listened to the brain.

He suddenly yearned for the older days. For the past. Where he could be confused, carefree.. where he could look up to his parents whenever he needed help, and could find comfort in their words. But now their words were what teared him apart, and he couldn't go to them for help when they were the ones who were breaking him the most.

His parents weren't the heroes he thought they were. They were just like him.

But they were his parents. His family. They were the only thing that he would always have.

_Love is forever._

Iwaizumi swallowed down his fear. His uncertainties.

_Go for it. Always._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a reminder that i don't agree with homophobia!


	11. We're All the Same

Iwaizumi simply stared at Oikawa.

But it would never last. Not the bad type of love.

He stared helplessly as Oikawa shook, trying to hide the fact that he was crying. 

'I don't know what led you to believe that I thought about you that way...' Iwaizumi murmured. 'But, flirting and being annoying isn't attractive.'  
'I..' Oikawa sniffled loudly, looking up at Iwaizumi. He pushed himself to his feet, slowly. 'Okay. Sorry for getting the wrong idea.'

Oikawa turned around, walking back the way they had come.

Iwaizumi only stared at him, before his very own tears began running down his face. He did this to himself, so why was _he_ upset about it? Oikawa was the only one who had the right to cry. Iwaizumi couldn't help himself. He looked up into the sky. White. Paper white. He willed himself not to cry. He willed himself to hold it in.

But he couldn't.

He desperately turned to Oikawa, but could no longer see him. He didn't know if he really was gone or if his tear-infested sight had gotten the better of him, but whatever it was...

He wished he could take every single word right back.

* * *

Iwaizumi quit his job later that day.

He was hurting. But he hurt Oikawa a lot more. And he wasn't going to let that go on any longer. He had called Satomi, asking her to meet at a park by his house. He needed to talk to her. He needed a friend. An outside perspective. And he needed to tell her everything he had told Oikawa, his parents, about her.

He caught sight of her ash blonde hair a few minutes later, watching her run over to him. 'Hey,' she said, breathlessly. 'Oh, I have a lot of questions for you, Mister.'  
Iwaizumi slapped on a small smile, chuckling. 'Yeah... and I have a lot of things to tell you.'  
She sat down on the bench beside him. 'Tell me.'

Iwaizumi sighed aloud. 'I love somebody.'

Satomi smiled. 'I know.'

'Wh-what?' did Satomi think that Iwaizumi was talking about her? That would make matters so much worse...

'Yeah. It's pretty obvious,' she winked. 'You look at him with this look in your eyes. Even when you're mad, for some reason...' she trailed off, thoughtfully, before shrugging. 'I'm hiding it but I'm screaming inside.'

'Huh?'

'You guys are the cutest,' she squeezed my shoulder, 'so what do you need help with? Date ideas? Maybe you can watch Star Wars with him, he would absolutely love—'

'No.'

'Hm—?'

'I need a favour. From you.'

Satomi nodded, smirking slyly. 'Anything.'

'It's not what you think,' Iwaizumi sighed. 'My parents are... homophobic.'  
Her eyes widened. Iwaizumi witnessed her face go through many phases. Surprise, shock, pity. 'Oh, Iwaizumi...'

She wrapped her arms around him. He wrapped his own around her. 'So... what are you going to do about it?'

Iwaizumi pulled back. 'My parents mean the world to me...' he hesitated, 'and I've always believed them to be right, no matter what.. but now? Now I don't know.'  
'Follow your heart,' Satomi squeezed his right hand. 'Tooru cares about you a lot. That's why he paid for your uniform.'

'Wait.. _what?'_

Satomi blinked. 'Uhm, yeah? A few days ago? He told me that he gave your parents all the money you had earned. He told me that they said that they would tell you.... they did, didn't they? He even said he had given them a _"special surprise"_ for you, though I don't know what that surprise is.'

Iwaizumi frowned. 'No... they didn't tell me..'

'Huh? Why would they hide that?'

Dread ran through Iwaizumi's veins. 'I need to know what that surprise was..'  
Satomi nodded. Once. Curt. Tight. 'Before you go, what was it that you wanted? You texted me saying you had something important to discuss.. and it wasn't about your feelings for Tooru, was it?'

Iwaizumi flushed. His feelings. For Tooru.

He shook his head. 'No, uhm, this may or may not anger you...'  
Satomi frowned. 'Just tell me, Iwaizumi.'   
Iwaizumi inhaled slowly.

'I told my parents that I love you.'

Satomi blinked. Once. Twice. 'What?'

'And I told Oikawa that too.'

Satomi stood up. _'What?!'_

Iwaizumi nodded, urging her to sit down. She did. 'I'm sorry I just.. I can't be with him, and I needed him to get over us. But, uhm, I don't think that plan worked.'  
'Hello? All it did was break the poor boy's heart!'  
'I know, I know,' Iwaizumi hissed. 'But—ugh, fuck this—I thought at the time..'

Satomi took a deep breath. 'Okay, why tell your parents?'  
'Well.. I started talking about Oikawa, and, uhm, I had to give my mother a name and you were the first one I thought of...'

Satomi sighed. 'And here I thought you were smart.'

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. 'I just need you to meet my parents. Once?'

Satomi thought for a moment. 'What if they expect me to come again?'  
Iwaizumi pursed his lips. 'We can fake a break-up?'  
'Okay...' Satomi clasped her hands together. 'And.. Tooru?'  
'We can't tell him. If he knows that I like him too, then it'll hurt even more when we never have a chance to be together.'

'Or,' Satomi butt in, 'then he'll know that you love him—,' Iwaizumi shuddered, '—and maybe... he won't feel helpless. Ever since his mother walked out his life, he has been carrying that blame on his back. He already thinks he's worthless. Do you want to add to that?'

'He.. he hasn't ever told me about his parents. I knew he had some things going on... but I didn't know that..'

'Does it matter? Point is, you're hurting him,' her voice softened, 'and you're hurting yourself too.'

'I don't matter right now. This is about Oikawa,' Iwaizumi corrected, before closing his eyes and sighing. 'I don't think I should tell him. I know how it feels to know that somebody feels the same yet you still can't have them. I think... not knowing will make it easier.'

'You're not in his shoes.'

'I can't be. I don't know anything about him.'

'Then how do you love him?'

Iwaizumi faltered. 'I... I want to get to know him.'

'No, let me tell you why,' she turned to face him, their knees touching, 'you love him because since the first day you met him, he was not only annoying, but intriguing too. Even though you knew nothing about him, you were interested. You spend time with him and feel butterflies when he's close, feel happy when he walks into the room. No, actually, in your case, your heart breaks. Because you want somebody you can't have.'

Iwaizumi stared, wide-eyed.

'Actually, you _can_ have him. You're just too much of a pussy to realise how wrong your parents are. If you had any sense, any sense at all, you'd fight for Tooru. And he deserves that.'

Iwaizumi had no words.

'Tooru is like a little brother to me,' Satomi's voice dropped to a whisper. 'He deserves somebody who's willing to fight. After everything he has been through... he deserves somebody to love him, instead of him loving and hurting.'

Iwaizumi swallowed. 'How can you care so much when he's not even family?'

'I don't know what your parents have told you, but whatever it was... they've given you the wrong idea. Blood doesn't define family,' Satomi's tone was final. Iwaizumi had never seen her so opinionated, so fierce. 'I love him. And I hate seeing him so heartbroken.'

Iwaizumi groaned aloud. 'I can't help it, okay? My parents—they mean the world to me! Sure, I lo-like Oikawa, but I always put my real family first. My mother and my father. I've never been close to anybody else because everything always burns to the ground in the end. I envy you for being able to love so freely, to trust so freely, but I can't do that, and I'm sorry.'

'Love freely? _Love freely?'_ Satomi's voice dripped with disbelief as she got to her feet. Iwaizumi realised that she did that when she got passionate about something. 'You do not know me, Iwaizumi. I can't love freely. I'm not in your shoes, and sure it sucks, loving someone who your parents don't approve of, but at least you can actually love somebody! At least you can _believe_ they love you too!'

Iwaizumi stood up. 'What are you getting at?'

'Emotional deprivation disorder,' Satomi seethed, 'it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is. Hell, every relationship I've been in was ruined by that! I can't love freely because of my past. Look, you, Tooru and I, we're all the same. We all want to love but we can't because this world fucking sucks. Tooru's parents left him alone, your parents won't let you be with him and my parents neglected me. This world is a cruel place. That's how it is.'

Iwaizumi wrapped his arms around Satomi, who was breathing heavily. She wrapped her arms around his torso as he whispered, 'I'm sorry. I didn't even consider anybody else's issues... just mine.'

'It's okay,' she rubbed his back. 'I think I know what the best thing to do from here is..'

'And what is that?' Iwaizumi asked, hopelessly. He had absolutely no idea what to do. He was confused and scared and—

'I think we should get married.'


	12. Mr. Loverboy

The rain around them seemed to drop faster with every passing second, almost like a countdown, or even just intense background music. Iwaizumi pulled away from Satomi, taking a few steps back as if he didn't quite know what else to do.

'Hold on...' Iwaizumi tried to wrap his head around how that would work. 'Get... get _married?'_

Satomi nodded, earnestly. 'Well, of course, I think you should be with Tooru. I still think that you rejecting both him and your feelings just because of your parents is stupid, but I understand the pressure their expectations can put you under.'

Iwaizumi sucked in a breath. 'Why would you want to marry me if you know that I have feelings for somebody else?'

'Iwaizumi, despite everything, you're almost like a baby,' Satomi remarked, thoughtfully. 'You're tall enough, muscly enough, mature enough.. but, you don't think for yourself. That is common... when it comes to kids. But your parents have forced you to agree with them,' she took his hands. Squeezed. Once. 'Please, try and realise that.'

Iwaizumi wanted to argue but he knew it was true.

'If you want me to go for Oikawa, then why do you want me to marry em>you?'

'As I said, I understand the pressure. I know that some things... are harder than they seem. Defying everything you've grown up knowing? That's tough. And, even if you end up loving him for the rest of eternity, if you're not going to marry him, I'd be so grateful if you married me.'

'But _why?'_

'Because, as I said, my aunt and uncle are always pushing me to get married so they can live in peace, that's what they say,' Satomi rolled her eyes. 'But you know, I don't really want to get married, and I'm not really interested in romantic relationships..'

'Why not move out alone? I'd be okay with letting you stay at mine until you can buy your own place.'

'You'd do that?'

'Of course,' Iwaizumi stepped up to wrap his arms around her. 'Thank you.'  
'For what?' she mumbled into his shoulder. Iwaizumi exhaled.  
'You did more for me than you'll ever know... but I don't know if I'll be able to get over my stupid fears.'

Satomi sighed aloud. 'Iwaizumi, whatever you do, I'll be here. Because I understand.'

Iwaizumi nodded. 'Thank you. Uhm, by the way, can you still come over for dinner? Just... don't mention Oikawa. After that surprise, I'm sure I'll need to persuade my parents.'  
'Whatever you need.'  
'No. Only if you're okay with it.'  
'I am. I am heartbroken on Tooru's behalf, but you must be hurting too,' Satomi pulled back to smile at Iwaizumi. A small, sad smile. 'You can show it, Iwaizumi. It's not good to bottle it all up.'

Iwaizumi stared at the ground. 

He wanted to let it out. But he couldn't.

The better he could be at playing this role, at making Oikawa think he didn't like him, the easier it would be for Oikawa to move on in the long run... right? 

'Iwaizumi?'

Iwaizumi sat down, placing his face into his hands. He tried to hold it in but he couldn't. He broke down right there and then, uncaring of anybody who would happen to pass by. He doubted they would; the rain was heavy. He could feel every drop that landed on him, could hear every drop that landed on the ground.

A quiet sob managed to escape him as his body shook, as Satomi's arms came around him. He tried tried tried to hold it in but he just couldn't. His quiet sobs slowly became louder, his gentle shaking harsher, Satomi's embrace tighter. He cursed himself. Cursed this world. Oikawa, his parents, Satomi... everything here was cruel. Everyone.

Even if he didn't have to fight for survival; it still felt like something was dying. 

Satomi rubbed his back, gently. 'I'm sorry, Iwaizumi,' she whispered. 'I'm so, so sorry.'

* * *

When Iwaizumi unlocked the front door, his father was quick to greet him. Any other day, Iwaizumi would've hugged his father, but this time was different. All his life he had put everything he had, his trust, his faith, his time, blood, sweat and tears, into his parents and their wishes, but he couldn't explain how he felt now. Resentment. Betrayal. Hurt and fury. 

His father, all too used to the greeting, went to wrap his arms around his son. 'Haji, how—?'

Iwaizumi couldn't push his father away; instead, he dodged the embrace. His father cut off, confusion masking his features. 'Hajime?'

Iwaizumi swallowed. Never once in his life had he stood up to his parents, but knowing what he was doing it for, knowing _who_ he was doing it for... it gave him the courage. 'Why did you lie to me?'

His father frowned. 'Lie? Darling, when did I—?'  
'What're you two yapping about?' his mother called from the living room, her voice was hoarse, and right after her weak yell, she burst into a fit of coughs. 

Iwaizumi stared at his father before pushing past him.

'Mum? Ugh, don't yell. You know your throat isn't at it's best,' he handed her the glass of water on the table, his anger simmering away into worry. 'Honestly,' he sighed, more to himself than anybody else. 'This is serious.'

'It's just a cough.'

'Hajime. Explain yourself.'

Iwaizumi turned to look over at his father, who was clearly agitated. His mother's brows were drawn together. 'Explain himself? What happ—' a cough. '—ened. What happened?'  
Iwaizumi father shot Iwaizumi a pointed stare. 'Ask your son.'  
'Don't say it as if he's only mine.'

Iwaizumi's father gave his mother a look.

Iwaizumi shrugged it off. 'I'm not the one who has to explain myself. You two are. Oikawa gave me the money I earned and you didn't tell me?'

Iwaizumi's father stepped towards him. 'You went on a date with a man and you didn't tell us?'

Iwaizumi scowled. 'It was not a date. Wait—how did you even hear about that?'

'Mr loverboy left us a little diary entry,' his father's tone had an edge of anger to it. Iwaizumi's eyes widened. Oikawa's voice, laced with laughter, ran through his head. 

_'I'm writing that it was our first date in my diary.'_

Iwaizumi took a deep breath. 'He was joking. Just, why did you not tell me?'  
'Because we raised you far better than that,' his mother choked. His father nodded,  
'We gave you the chance to be great. Now take it.'  
'Why the hell did you not tell me?'  
'Because,' his father grabbed Iwaizumi by the shirt, 'you told us you would be better. Yet, you go against us. Why should we trust you, Hajime?'

Iwaizumi would never physically hurt his father. And so he did not. 'It was a joke. He was joking, I swear. I told you, mother, didn't I? I love Satomi. I even asked her to come to dinner today. Just let me see the goddamn diary.'

Iwaizumi's father let him go. 'Satomi?'

'Yes,' Iwaizumi exhaled. 'Oikawa is—was my friend.'

Iwaizumi's father nodded. 'If Satomi comes to dinner tomorrow, you may have the entry.'  
Iwaizumi sighed. 'I'll ask her. Can I get the entry, then>'  
'Call her.'  
_'Now?'_  
'Yes.'

Iwaizumi cursed under his breath before hesitantly taking out his phone. He scrolled through and found Satomi's number, and with a million regrets swirling in his head, he called her.

_Please don't pick up. Please don't pick up. Please don't pick up._

'Iwa-chan?'


	13. Dear Diary

_Dear diary,_

_Today was hilarious. Not only did Souta and I fill Aunt Madoka's shoes with cheese, but I also had the once in a life time opportunity to ruin Iwa-chan's entire day! First, I got to watch him serve (he really sucks! It is terrifying he tries to smile! I'm always concerned as to whether I should show him where the bathrooms are or not) and that was great._

_But, oh my goodness, Iwa looks so hot in his uniform. He could choke me with his thighs and I would thank him. Anyway, that's besides the point. After his shift, I told him that Aunt Madoka wanted to meet him in the office. Guess what? He believed me!_

_I locked him in there, but I needed to pee. I—obviously—did not take the key with me. I left it outside but pow! When I get back out, it's no longer there!_

_I'm not complaining though. That made everything so much better._

_I managed to find the key, and when I did, Aunt asked us why we were still here! Messing with Iwa is probably my favourite hobby—he's so adorable when he's mad. He does this thing where he scrunches up his nose in disgust. It's the cutest thing ever—so I obviously couldn't stop there. Could I? Of course not!_

_I told Aunt Madoka that Iwa had volunteered to tidy up the chairs and tables! You should have seen his face! It was so hard not to laugh. He's so ahhhhh._

_And then, oh my, this was probably my favourite part of the day. No, second favourite, after our date, of course. A specific part of our date. I got to watch Iwa pick up the chairs as if they weighed nothing. He's so hot, oh my goodness. It's a miracle I didn't get a boner right there and then. Anyways, so yeah. He had to do that._

_And the best part of it all; I made him miss his bus!_

_Hahahaha._

_I told him I'd walk him home, but little did he know, I was taking him on our first date. Not just a date. Our first date. Because I know there will be plenty to follow._

_We went to this little collection of shops. I used to go there all the time with Souta, before he moved and we no longer had to take this path. Oh yeah, I used to walk home with him; he was scared of dogs and this route was always dotted with dogs. Anyway, back to Iwa._

_I dragged him into McColl's with me, and made him try a bunch of Pringles. But, guess what? I saw Iwa staring at the slushie machine like a hungry puppy staring at a bowl of dog food. It was really cute, and oh my goodness, when I gave him that slushie?_

_He smiled and my heart exploded._

_Boom._

_Iwa is really pretty. He has these gorgeous olive green eyes, and hair darker than dark chocolate. Even though he's always scowling. But... he smiled. And when he did I wanted to cry. I knew that I'd die happy. It was the way his eyes sort of crinkled and lit up, and the way he didn't look so... unhappy. But happy. He looked happy. Because of me! Can you believe that? Little old me..!_

_I hope I can make him happy. In the future._

_You must be thinking that my favourite part of the day was our date._

_No._

_My favourite part of the day was seeing Iwa-chan smile._

_And knowing that it was because of me. I want to be able to make him smile like that all day, everyday. I want him to be happy, whether it's with or without me, because he looks so, so, so, so beautiful when he's happy._

_Even more beautiful than me! And that's saying something._

_I didn't know what to call this feeling. Not until I wrote it down like this. Now I get it. I'm falling in love._

_I'm falling in love with Iwaizumi._

Iwaizumi stared at the paper in his hands. In that moment, he didn't care about his parents, about Satomi. Hell, he didn't even care about Oikawa. All that mattered was the way his cheeks felt as though they were on fire, the way his heart seemed to be going at one billion miles per hour, no, one billion miles per second. He felt so warm inside. So warm. So happy. So heartbroken.

All traces of happiness vanished as he remembered what he had said to Oikawa. The paper crinkled in Iwaizumi's tight grasp. It felt as though somebody had gotten a hold of his heart and was slowly squeezing it, making it hard to breathe. He didn't hold it in this time. 

A small circle formed on the paper, and then another, and another. Iwaizumi stared at sheet as if it was the only thing that existed, but it quickly became a blur. Everything quickly became a blur. And not just the things he could see.

Everything was so clear before Oikawa.

Iwaizumi ripped the paper in half, furious despite his tears. He ripped it again. And again. Again. Again, again, again.

'I'm not falling in love with you,' he opened his window, an aggressive gust of wind sweeping in. The air was ice cold, nipping at his skin. He was fuming, his body heaving, his heart racing, his mind swirling. He held the shreds of Oikawa's diary entry in his left fist, before holding it out in the chaotic wind. 'I am not,' he seethed, feeling a fury so bright flowing through his veins as he opened his balled fist, letting the pieces fly from his hand and into the terrifying dark outside, 'falling in love...' his heart was beating in his ears and his brain was pulsing in his ears and the wind was screaming in his ears. He was so lost, so lost, so lost. '...With you.'

He stared out into the dark, before falling to his knees. He smashed his left fist against the ground. Once. Twice. Thrice. Before it went limp. The pain that shot through him was nothing compared to what he felt inside. He didn't try to conceal his sobs. They were faster, they were louder, than when he was with Satomi. Than when he was with his mother.

His body shook. It almost felt like he could hear the broken pieces of his heart rattling inside his body. 

He shook his head. Angry at himself. Angry at Oikawa. Angry at his mother, his father, the world. Angry at his heart.

'Because...'

His sobs quietened, his heart calmed, but the chaos outside his window did not. 

The wind screamed into the night.

'...I'm already... in love...' 

His whisper was louder than anything else. Louder than his heart, his thoughts, the howls outside.

'...With you..'


	14. But I Love You More

'Iwa-chan?'

Dread flooded through Iwaizumi's veins. The wind thrashed about outside as he broke free from the grasp of shock. 'Oi-Oikawa..'

Oikawa's voice turned to stone. 'Your girlfriend isn't available.'

Iwaizumi sucked in a breath, slightly relieved. His parents could rest assured. His father nudged him, mouthing for him to tell Oikawa to ask Satomi if she would come over. Iwaizumi's eyes widened. If he did that, he would be rubbing it in Oikawa's face. If he did that, he'd be hurting Oikawa even more.

'Oikawa, can you, um, do something for me?'

'What more could you want, Iwaizumi?'

The venom in his tone stabbed at Iwaizumi's heart. 'Could you... ask Satomi something for me? Or tell her to call me back?'  
'Mhm.'  
'Can you ask her if she'd like to come over for dinner with my parents tomorrow night?'

There was silence on the other side.

'Sure thing.'

Iwaizumi found five words on the tip of his tongue. 

Even though he could never, ever say them in front of his parents. 

But I love you more.

'But I lo—I love her,' Iwaizumi panicked. 'Tuh-tell her that too.'

'No.'

Oikawa hung up.

Iwaizumi stared at the phone in his hand. He looked up at his parents, his father, who hesitantly handed him the diary entry. 

Iwaizumi took it, immediately rushing to his room. His unfolded the paper and began to read from the very beginning.

_Dear Diary._

* * *

It was a huge relief that Iwaizumi had quit his job. 

After having forced his left hand to endure so much, he had ended up breaking three of his fingers. Holding trays would've been hell.

Iwaizumi tried to see the brighter side of things, but it was hard. After he realised that he loved Oikawa, his heart had been aching. He couldn't even distinguish between physical and emotional pain anymore. 

He had dinner with Satomi and his parents later that day, but right now, he was walking to the park by his house. Satomi had texted him, asking him to meet her as soon as possible. He didn't really care why, or what for. It seemed that nothing really mattered. 

Iwaizumi had always believed that it was hard to be happy in a world that was temporary. But he had always had love right behind him. 

Love would always be the one thing that lasted forever. 

And it did. But it didn't mean it brought happiness.He wasn't suicidal. He didn't want to die. He just... he would have preferred not being born in the first place. 

He shivered into his scarf as the cold air slapped him in the face, leaving a sting on his reddened cheeks.He turned a corner and could see the small park. It was just a swing, a slide and a roundabout. Bushes circled the patch of uneven grass and a fence was lined up along the perimeter to stop any kids from idiotically running onto the road. 

He looked up at the sky as he walked. The last of the lighter blues were drowning in the sea of the darker navy blues and dominant purples. He reached the park, sliding the lock on the gate to the left in order to grant himself entrance. The lamp illuminated the park and he finally scanned the area. 

Satomi was running late. He sighed, sitting down on the single swing. He took out his phone, deciding to scroll through his long list of emails as he waited. This lasted for around ten minutes, if he had to make an educated guess.

'Iwaizumi!'

Iwaizumi looked up to see Satomi smiling by the gates. He smiled back as she made her way over to him. She sat on the bench by the swing. ‘How are you?’

Iwaizumi groaned. ‘I don’t want to answer that. What about you?’

She shrugged. ‘Don’t wanna answer that either.’

Iwaizumi nodded. ‘So why did you want to meet up? It’s getting late and you’ve got to come over to my house soon. Couldn’t we have spoken there?’

‘Um,’ Satomi rubbed her hands on her thighs, attempting to warm them up. ‘Well, I didn’t know if I’d get you alone. So... I wanted to talk here.’

Iwaizumi raised his brows. ‘About...?’

‘Well, er, you left?’

Iwaizumi gave a one-shouldered shrug. ‘I hate being so useless when my parents need me, but I’m looking for another job. Besides, I can’t even think about Oikawa without feeling anything. So... it’s probably better this way. Where I don’t have to see him.’

‘He stopped coming to the restaurant.’

Iwaizumi was not expecting that. ‘Uhm, really? Isnt Madoka his aunt or something?’  
‘She is,’ Satomi confirmed. ‘While he did come every now and then before you started working there, that was maybe once a week, sometimes two. When you were there, he came every single day. I know you don’t want to hear this right now but... don’t forget that whilst you’re in a horrible position, Tooru is also trying to work around a broken heart.’

‘I’m a shitty person.’

‘No, you’re—’

‘I am,’ Iwaizumi butt in before sighing helplessly. ‘And selfish, too. I rub it in that I’m into you when I’m not even... I break his heart. Do something that would break my parents’ heart. Quit the job that paid for my family’s meals...’

Satomi took his hand. ‘Shut up. You’re a good guy. We all have to make hard decisions sometimes.’

Iwaizumi kicked off at the ground gently, causing him to swing ever so slightly. He pulled his hand from Satomi’s, holding it up to show her the bandage. ‘Guess who broke some fingers.’

Satomi gasped. ‘Iwaizumi!’

He sighed. ‘Yeah, I—’

Satomi’s phone buzzed. She looked down at it before nodding vigorously. ‘Iwaizumi, I’m sorry, but my, um, cousin just drove over. She’s on the street over there—’ she pointed in a random direction, or at least that’s what it looked like to Iwaizumi, ‘—and she has something I need to go grab. You stay here, alright? Wait for me.’

Satomi dashed out the park. 

Iwaizumi sighed again. He pushed himself up again, swinging back and forth in the cold air. The wind had settled slightly, but the cold hadn’t. 

He heard footsteps returning around five minutes later. However, the slender fingers that grasped the gate’s lock did not belong to Satomi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> opinions on Satomi?


	15. Say it to Me

Iwaizumi could only stare, his lips parted. 

Oikawa didn't look up once as he opened the gate and shut it behind him. In the lamp's weak light, his hair looked more golden than brown, the wind blowing through the strands playfully. His hair was a mess as it was, but the wind messed with his usual side-swept look even further. His eyes were shielded by long lashes, but the bright, beautiful brown Iwaizumi was used to wasn't there. All he could see was a dim golden brown, illuminated slightly, but only by the lamppost.

Iwaizumi held his breath as Oikawa looked up, stressfully running a hand through his hair before scanning his surroundings. He squinted slightly in Iwaizumi's direction before realisation dawned over him. 

He turned around. 'No,' he fumbled for the gate's lock. 'Not today.'

Iwaizumi noticed that he was wearing pyjamas. His bottoms were dotted with aliens and spaceships, while his oversized jacket covered his shirt. His scarf was colourful and certainly long; it was wrapped around Oikawa's neck multiple times yet still reached down to his waist. And then his shoes.

His shoes were odd. On one foot, he wore a slipper, and on the other, a croc. 

'Oik.. Oikawa...' Iwaizumi's voice was embarrassingly weak, but even worse, it was desperate. Iwaizumi wanted to stand up, walk over to Oikawa and hug him, kiss him, anything, but his body stayed glued in place. 'Oikawa.'

Oikawa turned around; Iwaizumi was hurt by the fact that he wouldn't even make eye contact, but what could he have expected? 'What?'  
'I'm.. I'm sorry.'  
Oikawa turned his gaze to Iwaizumi and smiled, brightly. 'Sorry? About what?'  
Iwaizumi studied Oikawa's fake expression. His ability to hide everything was surreal, but it also worried Iwaizumi. Just how many times had Oikawa done that before?

'I want to...'

'To what?' Oikawa stepped closer, and Iwaizumi knew he didn't intend to. 'Talk? Be friends? Fix everything?' Oikawa laughed, but even that couldn't cover up the hurt. 'Maybe you would be fine with that, but I wouldn't.'

Iwaizumi swallowed, his grasp on the swing's chains tightening. His left hand lay useless on his lap. 'We.. I.. you..' Iwaizumi was almost at a loss for words. Seeing Oikawa—simply laying eyes on him—managed to take away his ability to do anything normally. Was that a part of falling in love? Of... being in love? 'I miss you.'

Oikawa snorted. 'Yeah. How that warms my heart.'

Iwaizumi watched as Oikawa stuffed his hands into his pockets. 'Can't we try? I would like to be... friends... again.'

Oikawa rolled his eyes, walking over to Iwaizumi. He stood in front of him, looking down to meet Iwaizumi's gaze. 'I'm sorry but I don't see you as a friend.'

Iwaizumi's heart shattered. They couldn't be together and now... Oikawa didn't even want to be friends?

'I only see you as anything more than that. A boyfriend. A husband. But not a friend, not even a best friend,' Oikawa chuckled to himself. Something that wasn't really a laugh. 'I love you. Being friends is never, ever going to work. You and I both know that.'

Iwaizumi only heard three words.

They played over and over in his head, haunting him, laughing at him, hurting him.

Iwaizumi's brain told his body to say sorry. To say that he didn't feel the same.

But he should've known by now that his body didn't like listening to his brain. He grabbed Oikawa's jacket, tugging him down onto his lap before freezing.

Iwaizumi knew what he was about to do.

And he knew that... he couldn't.

Oikawa's legs on either side of Iwaizumi, his hands on Iwaizumi's chest, his eyes on Iwaizumi's lips... Iwaizumi was frozen in place. He knew it was wrong, so, so wrong. He had to stop. So why couldn't he?

Oikawa sucked in a breath. 'I thought you said you loved Tomi.'

'I do.'

Oikawa looked up from Iwaizumi's lips and to his eyes. 'Then why were you just about to kiss me?'  
Iwaizumi didn't know why but it felt like he was struggling for oxygen. 'I wasn't.'  
The brunette leaned down slightly and softly brushed his lips against Iwaizumi's before pulling back. 'No?' despite his quiet question, the feeling of Oikawa's breath against his face was strong. 'The thought didn't even... cross your mind?'

Iwaizumi could do nothing. He was like an unarmed child and Oikawa had a whole army backing him up. Iwaizumi wanted to feel Oikawa's lips against his again, but he couldn't. _Don't you dare, don't you dare, don't you dare._ 'Maybe once,' Iwaizumi said, quietly. 'Or twice..'

Oikawa's hands came up to gently hold the sides of Iwaizumi's face. 'I get it. I get that it's hard for you. I get that your parents are the reason you did what you did, said what you said,' Oikawa's voice was loud and quiet at the same time, soft and hard, sweet and sour. 'But I don't get why you don't just tell me how you feel about me.'

'I told you...' Iwaizumi was torn. So torn, so torn, so torn. '..that I'm in l—'

'No, you're not,' Oikawa cut in. He didn't raise his voice, but it sliced through Iwaizumi's words. 'Did you think making me believe that would make it hurt less? Because your little plan didn't work. If I could hear you say it once, I could live with some sort of peace...' Oikawa sighed, his breath hitting Iwaizumi's lips. 'Say it to me.'

_I can't._

_But I want to._

_More than anything._

Iwaizumi should have pushed Oikawa away, but instead, he tilted his head upwards and pressed his lips against Oikawa's. Oikawa wrapped his arms around Iwaizumi's neck as he moulded his lips against Iwaizumi, letting them move in sync. Iwaizumi wanted to be impossibly closer to Oikawa. He shut his eyes, feeling Oikawa's hands in his hair, on his face, his neck. Sliding up the back of his shirt or cupping his cheeks. All he could feel was Oikawa.

And that was perfectly fine with him.

He pulled Oikawa closer, grabbing onto his hair harshly, as if scared that he would get away otherwise. Just when he felt as though he would suffocate, Oikawa pulled back, breathing heavily. He rested his forehead against Iwaizumi's. A silence passed between them while a soft drizzle started to fall.

'You can't deny it now,' Oikawa breathed slowly, softly. 'Say it to me. I only need to hear it once. Just once.'

Iwaizumi closed his eyes before reopening them to look into the alluring, brown eyes opposite him. Oikawa's smooth skin, his soft lips... he was so beautiful. 'I..'

Iwaizumi only had to feel Oikawa against him, hear his ragged breaths, taste his lips and know that he was there... that was all he needed to know what he had to do.

He loved Oikawa. And in that moment, it all became crystal clear.

It didn't matter what his parents said, it didn't matter what anybody said. Because he loved this idiot and this idiot loved him. What more did there have to be?

'I really... I love... I just...' Iwaizumi faltered. The drizzle had turned into faster, stronger droplets. They dribbled down Oikawa's cheeks, glistened in his hair and soaked through his clothes. But Oikawa only watched Iwaizumi, as if he were the only thing that existed.

Iwaizumi smiled a little bit, taken away by the moment.

'I love—'

'Ha-Hajime?'


	16. Disgusting Brats

Iwaizumi's first instinct was to push Oikawa off of him. He stood up, feeling alarm shoot through his veins as if he had just been electrified. 

His father stared at him as though Iwaizumi had just been murdered in front of him.

And beside his father stood Satomi.

Oikawa looked around confusedly before realisation masked his features. He stood up. 'To-Tomi,' he broke the shrieking silence with his shaky voice. 'I'm sorry for.. for kissing your boyfriend.'

Satomi shuffled her feet uncomfortably. Iwaizumi couldn't take his eyes off of her. He was filled to the brim with confusion. Surprise. Hurt. Had she set this up?

Iwaizumi nervously shifted his gaze to his father. 'Dad—'

'Hajime,' his voice was stern. 'Have you been lying to me? To your mother?'

Iwaizumi didn't want to hurt Oikawa. But he didn't want to hurt his parents either. 'No. Satomi is.. my...' Oikawa turned to look at Iwaizumi. He had masked everything. 'My girlfriend.'  
Oikawa nodded before turning to look back at Iwaizumi's father. 'I'm not Satomi.'

Satomi let out a loud sigh. 'Oh, for crying out loud! Mr Iwaizumi, your son doesn't love me. He doesn't even like me. He is in love with that boy right there,' Satomi pointed at Oikawa, who's face had gone pale. Iwaizumi could only gape at Satomi. This whole time... he had thought she had his back. 'But because he loves you, because he respects you, he put his feelings aside to make you happy.'

Iwaizumi couldn't bring himself to look at his father, and he didn't have to; the anger in his tone was evident, regardless. 'I don't think shacking up with a.. a _disgusting_ brat.. is putting his feelings aside.'  
Fury flooded through Iwaizumi's veins. 'Disgusting brat?'  
Before Iwaizumi could continue, Oikawa laughed loudly.  
'My, my,' he mused, folding his arms. 'This sure is an amusing conversation,' he took slow steps towards Iwaizumi's father. 'However... I hate to burst your bubble but, erm, I've met people with far more creative nicknames than _disgusting brat._ For example, I've been called things like gorgeous, handsome, Shittykawa even,' his voice went from sweet to sour in milliseconds. 'But, who is really the disgusting brat here?'

Iwaizumi saw his father clench his fists. 'You want to discuss disgusting, do you?'  
'Yep,' Oikawa and Iwaizumi's father were around the same height. 'So, let's compare, shall we?' Oikawa's voice was soft as a feather now. 'We have myself. A poor, innocent, lonely boy helplessly in love with your son. And then we have you,' Oikawa stepped closer. Iwaizumi suddenly realised that this could end in violence. 'An old man who won't grant his hardworking son happiness. You know he loves somebody yet you tell him it's wrong?'

Silence. 'That... is what I call disgusting.'

Iwaizumi's father grabbed Oikawa's shirt. 'Why you... I am doing what's best for him. You're only trying to ruin his life,' Iwaizumi was frozen. 'In the end, what will do him good? Having a nice family or having his heart broken by a piece of crap like yourself?'

'You don't understand how much you're screwing him up,' Oikawa snapped, clearly agitated by something Iwaizumi's father had said. 'Everything he believes is because of you and the bullshit that comes out your mouth. Can't you let him think for himself, decide for himself?'

Iwaizumi's father smiled, stepping back. He completely disregarded Oikawa as his gaze turned to Iwaizumi. 'Hajime. Decide for yourself. Will you marry this young woman? If so, I'll let this whole scenario slide. Or will you marry that... that thing? If so, you are no longer my son. You no longer have a place in our home. You can no longer call me your father.'

Oikawa fumed. 'You bastard!' he yelled, swinging a punch right at Iwaizumi's father's face. 'That is not what I fucking meant!'

Iwaizumi's eyes widened. _Shit._

Iwaizumi's father didn't manage to dodge fast enough. A bruise would surely be forming.

'Oikawa!' Iwaizumi grabbed the brunette, pulling him back, desperately. 'Stop being a dumbass! Stop it!' Oikawa fought against him, furiously cursing at Iwaizumi's dad. 'Shut the fuck up, Crappykawa,' Iwaizumi snapped, shoving Oikawa to the ground. 'Stop it.'

Oikawa looked up at Iwaizumi. 'What the hell—?'

'My father's old,' Iwaizumi told him, squatting down on to his knees. 'Please. Stop it.'  
Oikawa sucked in a breath, looking directly at Iwaizumi. 'I still want to hear you say it.'  
'I can't,' Iwaizumi shook his head, watching the way Oikawa's expression tightened. His lips pursed, he nodded. _Fine._

Iwaizumi's father grabbed Iwaizumi, pulling him to his feet. 'Move out the way. Let me teach this young man a lesson.'  
Iwaizumi's arm shot out in front of his father. 'You are not going to lay a single finger on him,' he seethed, glowering at his father with so much anger, so much hurt, so much accusations that he could never put into words. 'Or I will make sure you have none left.'

Iwaizumi's father blinked, before he studied Iwaizumi's face with disgust. 'Are you telling me that you love this... person?'

Iwaizumi faltered. He looked at Satomi, who nodded encouragingly. But Iwaizumi wasn't exactly happy with her. Then he looked down at Oikawa, who shook his head. 

Iwaizumi frowned.

'Hajime?'  
'I don't,' Iwaizumi spoke only because Oikawa had said no. He was strangely shaken by that. 'But he is my friend. I don't want you to hurt him.'

'You are lying,' Iwaizumi's father hissed. 'I can see it on your face, Hajime.'

'Hajime is a really pretty name. It suits you.'

Iwaizumi turned his head so fast. 'Oikawa! Why the hell would you—'

Oikawa got to his feet, smiling widely at Iwaizumi's father. 'How rude of me. I didn't even get the chance to introduce myself! I'm Tooru Oikawa, but my lovers call me Shittykawa,' he grinned. 'And I'm in love with your son. He's pretty hot, by the way.'

Iwaizumi gaped at Oikawa before turning to his father. 'Oh my—Dad, he's joking—'

'I'm not,' Oikawa grabbed Iwaizumi's face before smashing his lips against Iwaizumi's. He kissed him once. Twice. Thrice. Then he turned to beam at Iwaizumi's dumbstruck father. 'So yeah. I love him and I would greatly appreciate it if you would let him say that he loves me too?'

Iwaizumi could not move a single muscle in his body. His mouth opened and closed several times. 

A pair of hands grabbed Iwaizumi, tugging him away from Oikawa harshly. 'Stay away from him,' his father grit out. 'Stay. Away.'  
Oikawa folded his arms, a smug smile taking over his features as Iwaizumi's father guided Iwaizumi out of the park, furiously. 'I don't know if I can,' Oikawa called. 'But see ya! And sleep well, handsome!'

There was only silence. Iwaizumi turned to look over his shoulder.

Oikawa grinned.

Iwaizumi, despite it all, smiled.

'You too, Shittykawa.'


	17. The Love of a Mother and a Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: ahh so i'm not as interested in this book as i was when i started writing it because i've come up with a new idea for a kugushiba fic (there's not enough kugushiba content) but i don't like starting stuff whilst i'm in the middle of something else...!

The ride home was certainly not what Iwaizumi had been expecting.

His father was silent as he steered into the driveway, parking the car messily before switching it off. Iwaizumi watched as his dad got out the car, shut the door before making his way to the front door.

Iwaizumi sighed, taking off his belt, slowly. He stretched in his seat, watching the raindrops run down the windows. He messed up bad, and now he'd have to do the impossible; fix it.

He rushed to the door, getting in before locking the door behind him. His father was nowhere to be seen. _He hasn't been like this before,_ Iwaizumi thought to himself, agitatedly taking his shoes off. _I must've screwed up more than I think._

He put his shoes away before turning to his parents' room. He had to see how his mother was, regardless of the situation with his father. Sucking in a deep breath, he knocked.

'What?'

'Dad—'

'What do you want?'

'Wait—why isn't mum in there?'

Despite how disrespectful it was, he barged the door open, looking around the room frantically before his eyes landed on his father, who had tears streaming down his face. 'Dad?'

'I came looking for you,' his father said it without a tremble in his tone. 'Madoka told me that she knew where that young lady you talk to was, and she knew where you were. I came to get you, quickly.'

'Get me?' Iwaizumi couldn't deny the alarm that was building up inside of him. What could his father possibly mean? Nothing could've happened... right? 'Why would you need to...?'

'Your mother. You've been so worked up about your stupid damned love triangles that you didn't even notice how ill your mother had been,' his father stood up, his sadness quickly growing into anger. 'When we had a child, we had so many amazing hopes and dreams for him. We thought he'd excel in everything, care for us when we needed it most...'

Iwaizumi swallowed.

'So seeing you standing in front of me is sort of disappointing.'

Iwaizumi felt that like a sharp stab to the heart, but he ignored it. He knew he had upset his father, and he knew that he deserved this.

'Where's mum?'

'Your mother's at the hospital.'

Iwaizumi stared unblinkingly. 'She.. what?' he shook his head, refusing to accept it. 'You never told me it was that bad...'  
Iwaizumi's father stood up. 'No. You never paid enough attention. We used to be such an amazing family,' his father shook his head slowly. 'But every night, when we would have a family dinner, you go to your room. Your mother was ill and poorly but she still went up there to see you when she should have been resting.'

'Is an amazing family one where I'm forced to make decisions I shouldn't have to make?' Iwaizumi asked. 'Because I don't think it is.'

**note: ngl this is getting too depressing and i feel like i'm dragging it on too long, but i don't want it to end abruptly either kdbfhisgbkhb**

Iwaizumi's father shook his head again, grabbing his phone. 'Come on. We're going to the hospital. Put your shoes back on, Hajime. And you better tell your mother everything.'

* * *

Iwaizumi's mother blinked.

'And... I kissed him too,' Iwaizumi sighed out, squeezing his eyes shut, bracing himself for what was to come next.

His mother didn't have any strange wires around her or anything injected in her, but apparently she was at too high of a risk to leave the hospital. She didn't want Iwaizumi knowing what the problem was, but he had plans to ask the doctors later. From what he knew, she was simply resting there, in case anything were to happen.

And Iwaizumi wondered if that 'anything' was her death.

His mother coughed before speaking. It reminded Iwaizumi of how she had coughed every time she had come to see him in his room... and how he had brushed it off. 'A... a boy?'  
Iwaizumi looked down. The room was bright and white, something he felt was a little overwhelming, and contained only a bed, a table, and curtains. There were obviously other things dotting the room, but apart from the chairs he and his father sat on, they were insignificant. 'Yes. A.. boy.'

His mother let out a low, long breath. 'I don't love your father.'

Iwaizumi's eyes could've shot out of their sockets in that moment. 'What?' he looked up at his father and back down at his mother, then at his father again. He nodded. 'Why the hell are you married then?'

'Do you want to know why we've been shielding you from the bad type of love?'

'Uh, yeah I do.'

'Because when I fell in love with a woman, I was left broken,' his mother told him, sternly. 'Trust me when—' a couple of coughs, '—when I say that... no matter how amazing it seems, it can go wrong. And it will. I may have no romantic feelings towards your father... but at least with him... I have a future. Or did.'

Iwaizumi frowned. 'I can't tell if you're mad at me...'

'I'm not mad. You don't choose who you love, Hajime. But you do choose whether you're going to act on those feelings or whether you are not.'

'You want me to ignore everything I feel.'

Not a question. A statement.

'It's for the best,' his father cut in with a snarl. 'Your mother is dying yet all you care about is your little fairytale romance. Hajime, I'm disappointed.'

'Dy... Dying?' Iwaizumi turned to his mother. 'Mum, be honest with me. How serious is this?'

'It's not serious at all, Hajime—'

'Mum—'

'I'm sorry,' Iwaizumi's father butt in, again. 'I exaggerated to quieten you.'

Iwaizumi sighed in relief. 'You had me worried.'

But he knew deep down. It was serious. His mother was at the hospital. Of course it was serious.

'So, this boy. Oikawa, was it?'

Iwaizumi's heart felt mushy at the sound of his name. 'Yeah. Oikawa.'  
'I want to meet him.'  
Iwaizumi and his father were both equally shocked by his mother's statement. 'Darling?!' one exclaimed, whilst the other, 'mum?!'

'I can see it every time you speak about him,' Iwaizumi's mother sighed, sadly. 'As much as I would love for your heart to belong to a woman... I can't magically make you fall out of love. I understand that. I just want to meet the.. man.. who stole my son's heart.'

'Did you have to word it like that?'

She smiled, weakly. 'Your father has told me everything. Including all that about the young lady; Satomi, was it?'

Iwaizumi sighed. 'Mhm... sorry for lying to you.'

'It's fine, Hajime,' she smiled, softly. 'I understand that you love Oikawa. And I accept that. But I won't accept you acting on your feelings. If you love me—if you love your father—you will marry Satomi and forget about Oikawa.'

'Mum. You can't—'

'I can. You have to make up your mind, Hajime. Because if you don't..'

She turned to look at his father, who finished her sentence.

'We've decided to kick you out.'

'Wait... what?'

'If you decide to go by your feelings... then we will no longer have you as our son.'

Iwaizumi didn't care that they were telling him this. What bothered him was how easily they'd let him go. Was he really that meaningless to them?

'You supposedly love me because we're bound by blood,' Iwaizumi gave a disbelieving chuckle, shaking his head in disgust. 'But Oikawa loves me. Full stop.' He stood up, feeling something burning at the back of his eyes. 'And that hurts.'

His father growled. 'We love you. Which is why we can't bear to see you this way,' his father wrapped him in an aggressive hug. 'We love you, Hajime. I love you.'

A tear slipped from Iwaizumi's eyes, others soon following. He slithered his arms around his father's torso. 'I love you too,' he mumbled into his father's shoulder. 'I love you so much.'

'I love you more.'


	18. Dying

Iwaizumi sat in one of the many waiting rooms, alone. He slouched in the surprisingly comfortable chair, feeling a mix of emotions. The colour around him was lacking; he felt as though the whites and greys were slowly consuming him.

He felt helpless.

It was slightly itchy beneath his eyes. Dried tears. The doctors refused to tell him what was going on with his mother—something about privacy—and his father was furious one minute, sobbing the next and all of a sudden his arms were around Iwaizumi. Satomi was his closest friend one moment, and before he knew it, she was telling his father everything. 

Everybody confused him. Everybody infuriated him.

But worst of all was Oikawa. He could remember when they first met. How he had taken a quick disliking to the childish young man, and how he had been so frustrated with him. And then he was laughing with him and wishing to spend every moment with him. 

He closed his eyes, sighing out slowly. Was the world really this messed up or was he simply being stupid? Did he need to look at everything differently?

'I'm here.'

Iwaizumi clenched his jaw. 'You don't need to be.'

'Iwaizumi,' he felt her sit down beside him, hesitantly. 'I did it for you.'  
'Did you?' Iwaizumi didn't spare her a glance. Satomi sighed,  
'Think about it. Your parents were going to find out one way or another. This was something they had to know,' she placed her hand on his knee. 'Regardless of what they thought.'

Iwaizumi knew her intentions were good. But everything going on angered him, and he had nowhere to take that anger out. He only took a deep breath. 'Okay.'

'So... you're going to be with him, right?'

'What?'

'Your parents know about Oikawa. You can date him.'

Iwaizumi didn't respond. 

'Hold on,' Satomi leaned across to get a better look at Iwaizumi's face. 'Are you seriously doubting it? Doubting _him?'_  
Iwaizumi shook his head. 'Just because they know doesn't mean they're happy about it.'  
'Oh my goodness,' Satomi spoke in disbelief. 'How could you do this?'

'Do what?'

She leaned away from him. 'Choosing Tooru is obviously the right thing to do. Sure your parents will be mad, but everyone's parents are sometimes.'  
Iwaizumi looked up from his hands and at Satomi. 'You think that's all?'  
'It is all! What will they do? Ground you? Take away your phone?' Satomi shook her head at him, her dark chocolate eyes looking directly at him. 'Get over yourself and think about somebody else for once.'

Iwaizumi tried so hard so hard so hard to keep his anger hidden, but agitation added an edge to every word he spoke. 'That is all I've ever been doing my whole life,' his voice was the definition of silence before the storm. 'I've always done whatever made others happiest. I've made decisions based on what others would want. Did what others liked and avoided what they didn't,' a short, heavy pause. 'If I could do what I wanted, of course I'd be with Oikawa. But I'm not the only person on this planet. My parents would be heartbroken, and everything I am is because of them. I owe them the universe. Ultimately, Oikawa is a selfish choice.'

Satomi seemed to be taking it all in. 'Your parents would be heartbroken, sure. But just stop. Stop and think about yourself. Imagine. You don't choose Tooru and you instead choose your parents. Tooru moves on. He finds somebody else. How will you feel?'

'Happy.'

'Why?'

'Because I'd no longer be hurting him.'

'That's your problem, Iwaizumi. There's a difference between being selfless and being stupid. You wouldn't be happy, or maybe you would. But more than that, you'd be hurt. You'd regret this,' she took his hand, tears threatening her eyes. 'I love Tooru and I've come to care about you too. All I want is for you to make the right decision.'

'If I... If I chose Oikawa. Then I'd never get over the guilt of what I did to my parents. I wouldn't be happy with him. Sure I'd have him, but I wouldn't be happy about it.'

'I didn't think of it that way...' Satomi smiled, sadly, looking up at Iwaizumi. 'You are such a strong person, Iwaizumi.'  
He looked down at her, watching the tear slip down her cheek. He noticed that she had a few faint freckles dotting her skin. He hadn't identified them before. 'No. I'm not,' he muttered. 'But you are.'  
'I know.'

She managed a smile. 'How is your mother?'

Iwaizumi clenched his jaw. Balled his hands into fists. Let out a breath. 'Dying.'

A loud sob came from Satomi as she wrapped her arms around him. She silently cried into his shoulder, and Iwaizumi consoled her. 'Why are _you_ crying?'  
'Because I love you,' she mumbled into his shirt. 'You don't deserve this.'  
Iwaizumi only rubbed her back, staring straight at the wall. The reality was crashing down on him like waves during a storm.

A perfect storm.

His mother was dying. Iwaizumi would wake up, tomorrow, the day after or even in a week and she would be gone. A loss. His father had told him just how much of a disappointment he was yet Iwaizumi could remember how happy his father was on the day he had decided to work at the restaurant. A second loss. He loved Oikawa and wanted to be with him but that would break the hearts of his mother and his father. A third loss.

'Thank you,' he whispered. No tears slipped. No sobs came. His body didn't shake. His mind wasn't racing. In this moment, he could only hear his own heart beating in his chest. _Thump._ Slowly. _Thump._ Softly. _Thump._ Steadily. He knew that outside the wind was screaming, thrashing about, lashing out at the world, he knew that his father was crying, wondering why, he knew that Satomi was sobbing, questioning everything, he knew that Oikawa was broken, full of what ifs.

He knew that he was shattered, wishing, hoping, dreaming.

But he didn't know how to change it.

He always knew that he'd die and everything he had worked for would be pointless in the end. That striving for success would one day become a waste of time. That loving and trusting wouldn't last forever.

But he never knew that the purposeless journey would be so painful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so far, i've only had silent readers (which means i'm not expecting any answers)
> 
> regardless, i have a question. i had planned for this story to be at least twenty chapters long, but i think seventeen is fine. but, my question is not regarding this story. 
> 
> what is worse; an aggravating plot twist or a cliffhanger?


	19. Epilogue

With the wind shrieking, the words that people dream of saying are drowned out and cast away into the merciless skies. Or perhaps I'm the only one who can't hear them. Maybe the thoughts swirling around in my head, or the loud beating in my chest is simply too loud. 

I'm not really a part of this.

But I have to be here. For them. 

I look around at all the unfamiliar faces around me. The happiness in their eyes only make everything hurt so much more. Their tears are full of joy and happiness, whilst the ones I'm holding in are full of anything but.

I can't cry. I need to be happy.

I look back up at the two. The beautiful young woman in her beautiful dress, surrounded by beautiful flowers and beautiful decorations. Her ash-blonde hair styled in a way I've never seen it before, her dark eyes an evident contrast to her white lace. I smile through my despair.

Despite it all, I'm proud of her.

My eyes shift to the handsome man beside her. His dark brown hair is the same as always, but I can tell it had been brushed, briefly. His olive green eyes look anywhere but at the guests, and his gorgeous smile I had seen before was nowhere to be found. I watch her hand take his, watch her comfort him when he shouldn't need it at all. This should be the most special day for him.

My smile vanishes.

I don't know I'm crying until the woman beside me squeezes my shoulder. 'They really do make for a lovely couple, don't they?' she asks, mistaking my heartbreak for happiness. I nod, smiling through the tears.

He doesn't love me. He never did.

And I have to get over that. 

I stare at him. I want to look elsewhere but he's like a magnet and my eyes are too, too, too magnetic. He doesn't look happy and as bad as it is, I feel comforted by that. More than anything, I want to see the same smile I saw when I had handed him that mixed tropical and strawberry slushie. The smile I saw when he had looked over his shoulder at the park.

I can't hold in the loud sob that spills from my lips.

I watch him, overwhelmed by everything I'm feeling. He looks so handsome so handsome so handsome. And I'm sure Satomi has told him that.

I wish he were mine.

I wish I was standing there by his side.

I wish I was holding his hand and smiling at him and kissing his cheeks.

But it isn't me.

The wind rips away at the flowers decorating the fence behind the two, throwing them up into the air. I watch his green eyes follow them, before they land on me.

He doesn't look away.

Around me there are so many people. Crying, smiling, laughing and hugging. Flowers everywhere. The wedding is in this gorgeous area outside that resembles a huge, endless garden. Maybe the weather could have been better, but it's still a beautiful place.

But that doesn't matter.

I don't look away and neither does he. He doesn't smile, he doesn't laugh or wave or beckon me over. I don't grin or shout or chuckle or congratulate him. I feel all these feelings rush into me and I want to walk up to him and kiss him and tell everybody that he's mine. But I can't.

I see the tears sparkling in his eyes.

I see his mouth moving but I can't hear anything. I know he's speaking to me. I don't know what he's saying. I want to hear. I want to know.

Satomi nudges his shoulder and he turns away. In that moment, my heart splits into two.

I get up. I'm going to break any minute now and I won't ruin this for him or for her. I love her. She's the sister I never had.

And I love him. He's the man I never _could_ have.

I hardly take any steps when it all seeps out of me. Tears are running down my face and sobs are coming from my lips and my body's shaking like crazy. My mind is racing. My heart is beating. I shut the gate behind me and look over my shoulder.

Iwaizumi is looking at me.

Tears are streaming down his face.

He mouths something again. This time I understand. Despite the tears clouding my sight, it's so so so obvious what he's saying to me. 

I smile through the tears. 

I turn around again before following the path that leads away from Iwaizumi. I tell myself to pull it together but I don't. I shove my hands into my pocket, swallow my heart and silence my mind. I wish we could have had each other.

I wish he was happy.

I wish _I_ was happy.

I take a deep breath before falling to my knees. I don't care that I'm in the middle of a pavement that people walk on. I don't care that I look like an idiot. I don't care about the eyes on me. I lean forwards, tears quickly falling to the ground. I'm shaking silently. Wanting, wishing, wondering. If I know this is what's best for him...

Why do I feel like it's the worst thing that could have happened?

I clench my fists as I hear every tear hit the ground like a bomb, destroying any traces of happiness I had felt for them moments ago. The tears taste of salt. The cold air smells too sweet and the ground feels like burning hot ice. The wind screams but my heart screams louder.

_Why?_

Why does it have to be like this? Why did your parents have to decide for you? Why are you marrying Satomi, when it could've been me? Why didn't you let yourself be happy? Why _don't_ you let yourself be happy?

I shut my eyes.

I silence my thoughts.

I quieten my heart.

'I love you.' I don't know if I whisper it, if I scream it, or if I even say it at all. I repeat the three words. Once. Thrice. More times. I don't know how many.

I remember the day I had met Iwaizumi. How calm it had been. How carefree I was. My biggest concern then was what I would eat that night, whether I remembered to buy washing up liquid, or maybe even making sure that I put my socks into the laundry basket. 

_I understand why you couldn't handle the heartbreak, mother._ My heart cracks. _I don't think I'll be able to either._

The wind howls. Screams. Yells, wails, cries out.

I can't. I won't.

I love you, Iwaizumi, but I can't do this.

Not without you.

༺ 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝐸𝓃𝒹 ༻


	20. A Perfect Storm

𝐃𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲

┏ ━━┅━━━┅━━ ┓  
𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗺  
┗ ━━┅━━━┅━━ ┛

𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐍  
: 𝐚 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐨𝐫 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐚 𝐩𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐬


End file.
